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Forgive me, my loyal reader-friends. It's been too long.
If you've been with me from the start, you understand I've been through a lot: Lock Poker went down suddenly and inexplicably, taking my retirement player points with it (I almost had enough to buy the motorcycle!); I had to duel an /poker regular as a sacrifice to the poker gods; I developed a drinking problem; my girl got kidnapped, then left me for a guy who wears a frilly cape and smells like french fries... It's too much for the average live 1/2 NL pro. But you know I'm not average. I'm the best. Well, I was.
You see, I've been gone so long that the game has completely changed. When I sat down at Sharrita's for the first time since coming back to the States, I accidentally checked in the big blind with my favorite hand Jc6h! Immediately after that, I stood up and cashed out. I spent a lot of time thinking and thirty seconds later I thought it best to invest all my Sharrita chips in a new business venture with this guy (also from reddit) who did pretty good at the 2003 WSOP ME and has lots of experience with poker websites. He says if everything collapses, he'll pay me back. Sounds like a safe bet to me!
My whole roll is tied up and book sales are slow because I'm always freely giving away my wisdom here. I've only got $300 left to my name. Consequently, SwanpJew's Sunday Showdown will remain on hiatus. In the interim, I will take you with me on my journey to become the feared and respected live pro you know and worship. Without further ado, please enjoy the inaugural edition of my newest column: SwanpJew's Return to Greatness: A Live Pro's Struggle to Rise From the Ashes of His Former Life Like a Phoenix and Once Again Become the Best in Spite of a Lot Of Particularly Soul-Destroying Stuff Happening.
Today's Topic: Flopping the Nits
$0.01/$0.02 NL SwanpJew's Mom's Home Game in New Orleans, Louisiana (Don't judge! It's a tough economy out there.)

• Hero (BTN): $4.36
• Old Lady Wearing Way Too Much Cheap Perfume (SB): $2.00
• [Villain] Old Guy Who Flirts Creepily With Every Woman At the Table (BB): $9.50
• Old Asian Nit (UTG): $0.50
• SwanpJew's Mom (HJ): $1.70
• Old, Uncomfortably Close Fat Guy (CO): $3.25

Background: I am the youngest person at the table by at least 35 years. I have been playing my standard game -- or what I think my standard game was before everything went to Hell -- and everyone glares at me when I raise. Years of trying to schlep into winning the $50 high hand bonus at Sharrita's by limping in with literally every hand has conditioned them to hate raising. Eventually, the collective shaming and tongue tutting has reduced me to limping. Limping. This isn't a cry for help, I swear. Don't take pity on me. If you buy my books, let it be for nostalgia's sake and not because you're trying to bail me out of playing 2NL.
Preflop:
UTG calls the big blind. HJ and CO call. Hero has Tc8c. Hero's mouth opens in a silent scream and he just calls.
SB completes and it appears as if BB is about to check, but HJ cuts in with her crow-like screeching. HJ says, “Swannie, honey, are you tired?” Hero says, “How can I be tired, Ma? It's 7:30 PM.” SB says, “Is it that late already? No wonder my eyes are getting heavy. I better get going.” BB says, “You want someone to walk you to your car? Tuck you in, maybe?” SB takes back half a blind and pitches her cards in the muck. Hero says, “C'mon, you're killing the action!” HJ says, “It looked like you were yawning.” Hero says, “I wasn't yawning, Ma.” BB's hand sorta-kinda looks like it hit the table and that's god damn good enough for this dealer.
Pot to the flop: $0.11
Preflop Thoughts: If each one of my reddit readers bought just one book, I would be rolled to play the juicy 5NL game down at Buckaroo Bob's Roulette and Burger Joint. One good night there would put me back in a seat at Sharrita's. But I won't mention that to them. I can't let them see how low, beaten, and desperate I've become.
Flop: 7c6h9s BB is too busy ogling the departing SB's Lane Bryant yoga pants to notice he's up to act. He is salivating. Hero shudders. BB wakes up and bets the full pot. UTG, HJ, and CO fold. Hero re-checks his hole cards. He is salivating. Hero waits for BB to finish a story about his time in the Army Reserve just after Nam, but gives up. Hero min-raises. BB says, “—and that's what I would do if it were me in that jungle... did you just raise me, boy?” Hero puts on his Target sunglasses. HJ says, “Swannie, the nice man asked you a question. Where are your manners?” Hero says, “For the love of Christ, Ma, we're playing poker!” HJ says, “That's no reason to be rude. Ooh, if your father were here, and he had any idea he was your father, he'd be furious! Well, go on. Answer the man.” BB sits smugly. Hero fumes and says, “Yes, sir. I raised.” BB clucks his tongue. BB says, “This new breed of players, they're so aggressive. Raise this, raise that. When I was your age, we only bet Aces or Kings. You're gonna lose all your money playing like that.” BB min-raises. Hero puts together raising chips. HJ says, “That's enough, now. Don't be greedy! Play nice!” Hero ponders killing himself, but just calls.
Pot to the turn: $0.77
Flop Thoughts: Wait a sec. I'm so bored, I accidentally did some math and considered BRM (oh, God, how far I've fallen). It turns out I'm already rolled for the 5NL game. After this hand, I'm free! I'll wait for a couple blanks, take down this jabroni, and get the hell outta here.
Turn 8s Hero says, “Goddammit.” HJ slaps Hero. BB tanks. BB bets $0.10 Hero calls. Pot to the turn: $0.97
Turn Thoughts: Seriously, I don't care about the hand anymore. I just want this to end. It's like having to pee and waiting for someone to bet so you can fold. Except it never ends.
River Jh
BB tanks. BB checks. Hero considers checking back to end his suffering, but his poker DNA literally won't allow it. Hero bets $0.02 BB rubs his chin in a thoughtful manner. All time stops. Every living thing is halted and silenced. Rivers cease flowing. Every falling speck of dust is suspended perfectly in mid-air. Eons pass. Ivey smiles. The Sun goes supernova. The universe experiences heat death. Hellmuth takes a horrible beat and calmly says, “Nice hand.” All of existence winks out. RIP Doyle. BB taps the side of his head in a “I'm very smart” sort of way. BB says, “I think you've got a straight.” It is a seminal moment of poker brilliance. BB open-mucks AhAd.
River Thoughts: I don't ever again want to play with anyone over the age of 17 and a half. I don't care if writing that and posting it on the Internet puts me on a List.
Results: Hero scoops $0.99 pot. BB says something lascivious to HJ. Hero sprints for the front door and flees shrieking into the night, with blood pouring from his ears, eyes, and nose.
Until next time, remember that boorishly and repeatedly yelling for a spadeball obligates the dealer to put down a spade; it's the law.
Good night, poker!

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Verified? (This bot cannot verify AMAs just yet)
Date: 2015-11-25
Link to submission (Has self-text)

Questions	Answers
Hi Daniel, can you tell us what are your thoughts on the new VIP programs that PokerStars offer. Do you think it will affect so much the pro players that they'll leave the site ? And if so, will the recreational player gained overcome that ? Thank you for your time, big fan.	I would have made changes to the program years ago, but if I were in charge I would have made sure I gave ample notice that the changes were coming. They are essential, but I wish they would wait until Jan 1, 2017 to implement them and I wouldn't target high limit players by removing their VPPs.
Why do you think more women don't play poker and what can be done to encourage more women to play? Any behavior you notice around the tables that needs to be changed?	For the same reasons that men represent a small percentage of romantic novel sales. Generally speaking, I think men and women are drawn to different interests. Not as a rule, of course, but we just have different interests mostly.
Daniel, big fan. I've recently got into playing poker and I'm astonished with your ability to read hands so well. Is it luck or is there a certain give away that gives you the ability to read hands like their moves on the table or even body movements? What would you tell someone trying to get better at reading opponents?	I would say PAY ATTENTION. To all details. What they wear, do they seem honest? What do they do for a living? Then for physical tells, look for literally anything that sticks out and relate it to the cards they turn over. Grab as many clues as you can and they might help you in the crucial moments.
Why don't you play more poker tournaments in Canada? Have you ever been to Alberta?	I typically play the higher limit events worldwide and Canada hasn't had any. I have been to Winnipeg and took in a Jets game. They CRUSHED the Leafs that night lol.
Huge fan Daniel, & not just on the felt. What do you think is the most redeeming quality a person can have? Or possibly the most unique feature that is hard to come by these days? Also for someone who doesn't know their passion in life: what advice would you give?	Best quality would be one who lives a life in service to others. To find your passion, you may want to start with the end game. Right out a page and answer the following question: what is your vision for your life? In great detail 5-10 years down the road.
Daniel, Easy question. F, Marry, Kill? Liv Boeree, Joanna Krupa & Annie Duke?	Marry Liv, she is smart and cool F Joanna Krupa, she is Joanna Krupa! Kill Annie Duke, gladly. She is awful lol.
What procedure did you go through to get your hair back? serious question. it looks great.	Ha! Pretty common procedure these days. Just moved it from the back of my head to the front! Ever see anyone bald on the side or the back? Nope. That hair is strong like bull.
Who's the most fun to play with on the tour?	I'd say Phil Hellmuth. He is quite a character and beating him in a hand creates a lot of fun. I can't help but laugh at him he is OUT THERE! haha.
If you HAD to put numbers to it, what percentage of poker is skill and what percentage is luck?	It's hard to say because time is a factor. In one hand for example it's 100% luck, but over a million hands luck would play less than 0.0001% of a role in your results.
Do you enjoy poker now as much as you did when you first came onto the scene? Also, what about the game do you derive the most happiness from?	Probably not. It was different back then because I was grinding and it mattered more financially. I still love to play.I enjoy the competitive aspect of the game.
How does playing live compare with playing online? Which do you find easier?	Online is definitely more convenient, but I find live easier because I can base my reads on the person rather than the numbers.
What would you describe as a key to success? Work-ethic? Being self-aware? Confidence? Being self-conscious? Would looove to hear your input.	Self awareness is key. It's important to read other people and how they play, but it's just as important to understand how they THINK you play and disappoint them!
As a fellow Canadian, which NHL team is your favourite?	I grew up in Toronto so always hope the Leafs can finally right the ship, but when Las Vegas gets an NHL team I'll be a Vegas fan for sure!
Do you follow any of the DFS news? I know legally, they have to fight the not-gambling argument but to you is it clearly gambling?	Of course it is gambling! Walking across the street is a gamble with your life. Opening a restaurant, buying stocks etc are ALL gambling. It's silly.
What would you consider your greatest accomplishment outside of poker?	Honestly, accomplishing the goal of living out my dream life that I envisioned in my late teens and early 20's. Exceeding those dreams really.
How much money was on the line when you beat elky HU in the Hearthstone match? What kind of odds did he give you?	We bet that if I lost I had to go to PCA in an Annoy-A-Tron outfit and since he lost he is going as Sludge Belcher! haha.
Daniel, What's the best way for a beginner to become a good poker player?	Study and practice! No substitute for putting in the work. You can even start playing for free on PokerStars to improve.
If you could design a Hearthstone card what would it be? What name/class?	A 0-1 stealth card for Shaman that gives Totems +1 attack at the end of your turn. Sick huh?
What colour socks are you wearing today?	Was supposed to be blue, I wore those in the morning then put the wrong ones on and went with red.
What's your favorite board game?	I used to really like Risk, but recently been playing Taboo with friends and it's quite fun.
Who is your favorite to take the Stanley Cup this year?	I liked Anaheim to start the season but they have started really slowly. Kings look pretty good too.
Also, i apologize for double posting, but on the off chance you'd be replying to my comment before i edited it i figured i'd make another one. How do you value physical wellness in terms of being happiebeing able to be a better player, a better person, how important would you rate it?	Very important. Book called The 8th Habit talks about how there are 168 hours in a week and if you spent just 1.5 hours a week exercising it improves your happiness and the quality of the other 166.5 hours.
Who will win between Rubio and Clinton?	Not sure, but I'd bet those two are the ones who will face off. Probably Hillary.
Hi Daniel, Do you travel with your dog to poker tournaments? Would you consider him your good luck charm?	I did when I first got him, but now my assistant takes care of him when I'm on the road.
What did you think of Schwartz and his actions at the WSOP his year? Some of his antics were questionable at best.	It was awkward. I focused on empathy with him. He has a lot of demons so I could never understand the pain he is in.
Any fun stories from the set of X-Men Origins: Wolverine? It was a nice surprise seeing you in the movie!	Yeah, Hugh Jackman was such a gentlemen. He knew the name of every extra on the set and was genuine and kind.
Can you please tell my husband to help me with work around the house before jumping on the computer to play poker? Maybe he'll listen to you, he's a big fan.	Tell him I said it's OK to enjoy your passion but make sure she plays a big role in that passion or you will be sleeping on the couch!
Is there currently a significant other in your life? If no, are you actively looking for one? When being a known figure in a certain world can make it more difficult I can imagine. If I were you, I'd rather find someone that has no idea who you are, rather than someone that knows your as 'that guy from poker'. What is your view on this?	Girl I'm dating had NO CLUE who I was! First time we met out at a Starbucks someone asked for a picture and her eyes got wide and she said, "Who are you?" She thought I set up the whole thing HAHA.
Top three favorite movies and are you a Game of Thrones fan? Love watching you play!	American History X Good Will Hunting Remember the Titans.
	Game of Thrones is awesome!!!
Coke or Pepsi?	Neither. Having had a soda in 20 years. It's poison!
Considering the statistical unlikelihood of success, how were you able to get over the "bad bet" that is the decision to go pro?	It requires resilience and drive. I got kicked down many times before i succeeded but I just never gave up.
Is poker still a viable career for someone to aspire to? or is it too close to reaching a point where everyone plays so close to optimally so no one can have an edge.	Depending on your skill set I still think there is plenty of money to be made, you just have to find the right situations.
What's a common tell amateurs have?	Glancing at their chips quickly when they like the flop.

Last updated: 2015-11-25 22:58 UTC | Next update: 2015-11-25 23:58 UTC
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