Expert Football Prediction for Tomorrow Tomorrow ...

I actually cut out a lot yet this is still on the long side, so be warned. Sorry in advance.
SECTION ONE: ASSETS AND DEBT
Retirement Balance: ~$4,740. $4,450 in a Roth IRA I opened when I turned 26. I just recently started contributing more to it regularly. I was previously focused on building my emergency savings up. My last job didn’t offer retirement until the very end of my time there, and there was no employer match. I contributed the bare minimum to my 401k; it has about $300 in it. With my current job, retirement match is factored into the salary.
Equity: $0. Not a home owner.
Savings account balance: $15,765. $1,150 in a Chase savings account, $13,519 in a HYSA, $1,046 in my Qapital account. Technically I use Qapital to save for taxes, but I know I won’t owe anywhere close to $1,000 since my 2020 freelancing was infrequent. I doubt it’ll even be up to $250.
Checking account balance: $2,227 (payday was today!)
Credit card debt: $0. I use my credit card like a debit card so I can rack up cash back. I pay it off every day.
Student loan debt: $21,417. I graduated in 2015 with a BA in French and English. Original debt was ~$33,000. Before the pandemic my interest was 4.5%. Interest is now 0%.
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SECTION TWO: INCOME PROGRESSION2015-2016 - $15/hr as a remote intern for a major website. This was my first paid position out of college. I learned a lot about web content and writing for online audiences. This was part-time at 25 hours a week.
2016 - $2,700/month as a Content Writer. I created scripts and training materials for various companies to train their employees. Started this job in March and was unexpectedly laid off in December. Sucked at the time but turns out it was a blessing in disguise...The work was soulless and I didn’t like it.
2017 - ~$850/month stipend as an Americorps VISTA. At the start of the year I got a Development position at a nonprofit I volunteered at, hoping to gain grant writing experience. I absolutely would NOT have done this had I not been living at home. I also collected an additional $400 a month in unemployment until July since I was technically a federal volunteer, not an employee, therefore still eligible for benefits.
2017 - $37,000/year as a Development Coordinator, primarily writing grants. The person in this position left and I was asked to step in. I didn’t get my ed stipend since I ended my VISTA year 5 months early.
2018 - $38,250/year - COL raise.
2019 - $43,000/year then $45,000. I was promoted to manager.
2020 - $47,000/year - COL raise.
2020 - $60,000/year. I had been job hunting hard when COVID hit and I subsequently became discouraged. I was desperate to leave my job...the people I worked with were wonderful but I felt like my growth was stifled, the amount of staff turnover was draining, and our pay was below market rate. I ended up finding my new job through my network. I was very excited to not work in fundraising anymore. The events of 2020 confirmed that I didn’t want to make a career out of coaxing rich white folks to relinquish a tiny amount of their wealth to support youth of color. My now-boss and I talked extensively over Zoom before I received my offer letter in July. It’s been a great learning opportunity, even though starting a new job remotely is strange and sometimes lonely. Having a cat helps :)
Main Job Monthly Take Home**:** $3,846. This is after $50 is deducted for Vision, Dental, Medical.
Side Gig Monthly Take Home: $100-$400. I write product guides for a website sometimes. These days I only take on work if I’m anticipating new expenses that month. This income is in addition to my 60k salary, since what I make from my side hustle varies. Last year I made $2,200, the year before it was over $5,000.
Other: ~$250/year in cash back from my credit card
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SECTION THREE: EXPENSES
Rent: $1,025 in a decently-sized studio that I share with my cat. Rent encompasses all utilities, including internet. This is dropping down to $975 starting April 1 - yay!
Renters Insurance: $5
Savings (monthly unless it says otherwise): ~$300 goes into a High Yield Savings Account. I automate $50 a week then throw in an extra $100 - $200, depending on the month.
I save $80 - $120 with the Qapital app. I got it before they started charging so my account is free.
Retirement contribution: $315- $415 into a Roth IRA. Maybe I should up payments so I can max it out, really torn between that or boosting student loan payments. I throw an extra hundred dollars in there some months.
Debt payments: All I have is federal student loan debt. Since starting my job in July I’ve been paying $500/month, throwing in extra when I have it. I’m going to increase this to $600/month starting in February. Would love to have it paid off by the time I’m 30, or during my 30th year. I’m not holding my breath for student loan forgiveness, but if it starts to seem like a real possibility then I’ll cut back on payments.
Donations: $300 to my mom and dad. I come from a working-class background and make more than both parents combined. My dad was unemployed for a while, and as I write this has become unemployed again. I worry a lot about my folks financially. In our culture it’s expected that we take care of our parents as they age, so there’s that component too.
Also $25 to a local nonprofit. $9 to a local theater company for which I’m a board member. Our board is very low-key and not a fundraising one.
Then usually ~$500 more throughout the year for various causes.
Electric: Included in rent.
Wifi/Cable/Landline: Included in rent.
Cellphone: $43
Subscriptions: ~$63. $18 for Patreon, $10.89 for Spotify Premium, $16.34 for HBOMax, $7.62 for Disney+, $9.71 for Netflix.
Pet expenses: I spend roughly $80 on food + probiotics and $20 on litter, which I buy in bulk. The monthly amount really fluctuates though. I’ve spent about $1,500 on my cat since I adopted her in October. Including getting basic stuff like a litter box, a cat tree, toys, food/water bowls, a carrier, etc. along with the adoption fee. I took her to the vet earlier last month and that was $450. She was vomiting frequently :(
Car payment / insurance: $0. Car free, baby.
Therapy: $100
Paid hobbies: $120 annually for my personal website.
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FINANCIAL BACKGROUND
Was there an expectation for you to attend higher education? Did you participate in any form of higher education? If yes, how did you pay for it?
Yes. I’m a child of immigrants and we place a high premium on education. Skipping college was never an option. Luckily, I’ve always done well in school and would have gone to college regardless. I think about grad school sometimes but there has to be a good ROI. Maybe one day. I borrowed 33k in student loans for undergrad, which isn’t that bad considering that I went to a private school that cost $200,000 over 4 years. I paid for the rest with work study, along with merit-based and need-based scholarships.
Growing up, what kind of conversations did you have about money? Did your parent/guardian(s) educate you about finances?
We didn’t discuss finances too often. I did get an allowance when I was younger and paid for the things I wanted (mostly books and CDs from my local Borders) by saving that money. My parents always had the mindset that credit cards can work as emergency funds...as an adult I strongly oppose that way of thinking. My parents accrued a lot of credit card debt and I never wanted that to be me. Which is why I only use my CC now as a debit card. I never put anything on there that I can’t pay off in full.
What was your first job and why did you get it?
I was in this program where teens get paid to participate in arts programs. I did theater for three years in HS, I think the stipend was ~$400 every two months. My first real job with wages was working retail the summer before college. I was making $8.25/hr. Both jobs were for spending money.
Did you worry about money growing up?
I didn’t worry necessarily, but I was aware that there were people with more than us. My mom was out of work for a few years due to some chronic pain and we had a Link card then. I had free/reduced lunch growing up and got fee waivers for all of my college apps. I was also aware of my privilege as an American citizen. My parents regularly sent money home to poorer family members. I learned early that it’s better to be working class here than it is over there.
Do you worry about money now?
Yes. I know I’m luckier than many. But I also have no generational wealth to inherit. Sometimes I feel really behind when I see people my age or younger with six figures in their retirement, $50,000 in stocks, or money passed down from family. I worry most about taking care of my parents in old age. I have an older brother so it’s a relief that we can at least share costs, when the time comes.
At what age did you become financially responsible for yourself and do you have a financial safety net?
I became 100% financially responsible when I moved out at age 25. Before then I was contributing $400/month towards rent. If I fell on really hard times I could probably move in with my folks, but otherwise I'm my own safety net.
Do you or have you ever received passive or inherited income? If yes, please explain.
My mom cashed out an $800 savings bond for spending money when I studied abroad in college, but otherwise nope.
Day 1 - Wednesday
morning
Another dreary January day. It’s been consistently snowing for the past two days and very overcast to boot. I spend some time lazing in bed until my Mom unexpectedly calls to ask me if I can print out her worker’s comp form to see if she'll qualify for any. She contracted COVID from her job a few weeks ago and, thankfully, is recovering. I tell her I don’t have a printer and hang up, slightly annoyed, after telling her I’ll print it from the library later. This was the 4th day in a row of her calling me and conversations with her can be hard to cut short (I’m not an asshole, honest).
I get up and feed my cat, E., her breakfast with a probiotic, take my gummy vitamins, and get ready for the day (brush teeth, moisturize face and hair, put on black skinny jeans and a navy and white speckled sweater with hoop earrings). I throw some sliced bananas, kale, frozen blueberries, honey, almond milk, and ginger into the blender for a smoothie. Once that’s poured into a glass I take a seat at my corner desk to begin my work day.
Afternoon
My foul mood lingers but I work through it. There’s a big deadline coming up soon so my days have been pretty full. E. climbs into my lap while I work and I give her some head rubs. I adopted her 4 months ago. There was a learning curve for me, as someone who grew up with 0 pets, but E.’s made it very worthwhile. She only recently began to "loaf" in my lap and I love it, even during inopportune moments like Zoom meetings.
Lunchtime! Today it’s tomato basil soup I made over the weekend with open-faced grilled cheese on french bread. The bread is getting stale but it’s almost finished anyhow, and slathering it with cheese and butter works wonders. I put out the kitty’s lunch, too. E. eats some of it then jumps into my bed, curling up for a midday nap. Wish I could do the same. Sigh.
I buckle down and get back to work, now doing somewhat-tedious data entry. After about an hour and a half I decide to walk to the library to print my mom’s forms. I order a Toasted White Hot Chocolate with almond milk from Starbucks ($4.60) so I have something warm to drink on my walk. I’m not a coffee drinker because of my caffeine sensitivity. Sometimes even a mug of black tea will make me lightheaded if I drink it too fast!
Evening
Work day is over. I outline my to-do list for tomorrow and cross off the things I accomplished today. My Dad is downstairs to pick up the forms I printed for my mom. After dropping off the forms I change into comfy clothes and assign myself a freelance assignment. I’m applying for a weekend writing workshop next month that will cost $300. I may not get in, but in case I do, I want to be prepared! The fun thing about my freelancing is that I get to choose the topics I want to write about. I select an assignment on skincare products.
Time to make breakfast for dinner: smashed fingerling potatoes with sauteed bell pepper, red onion, and broccoli topped with a fried egg and half an avocado. Seasoned with Lawry's and drizzled with sriracha. I get cozy on my loveseat to eat dinner. I also send an email to a man I've been corresponding with daily, D, for the last month and a half. We met out of the blue on an online forum - not Reddit - and have been enjoying each other's online company :) I'm not rushing to label anything, especially since he lives a state away. We're just seeing where things go for now.
For the rest of the evening I read my book while E. sleeps curled up next to me and Wendy Williams plays on TV. Then I get into my nighttime routine: smoke from my one hitter, put on some music and hop in the shower, where I also wash my face. Out the shower, I lotion up with shea butter and rub a gentle toner on my face. I make a mental note to re-up on weed soon. It's taxed to hell (welcome to Cook County. They tax everything here) but at least it's stimulating the local economy. I floss and brush my teeth before getting under the covers.
TOTAL: $4.60
Day 2 - Thursday
Morning
My body naturally wakes me up around 7:30. I remain in bed, mostly browsing Reddit on my phone, before committing to getting out of bed. I feed E. her breakfast and daily probiotic, take gummy vitamins and clean the last of my dishes from the night before. The sun pours through my south-facing windows and my heart sings - yesss, let there be light! I brush my teeth, moisturize my hair with coconut oil and moisturize my face. I pick out a black ribbed turtleneck and black high-waist jeans to wear, but ultimately decide to rock my loungewear until I have to leave my apartment.
I make a smoothie with the other avocado half from last night, frozen mango chunks, the last of my frozen blueberries, ginger, almond milk, and honey. I highly recommend avocados in smoothies. The creamy texture is to die for! I log into my work email and have a couple fires to put out. While I work, I polish off the rest of my Vitner’s Crunchy Kurls. IYKYK. I also reply to my email from D. this morning. Yesterday we were both in bad moods but this morning we’re doing better, mood wise. We talk about how rough our Januaries were - with my mom recovering from COVID and his dad in the hospital since the beginning of the year - and how we deserve a nice treat for getting through the month. We agree that lifetime supplies of books (for me) and movies (for him) would be fitting.
afternoon
My morning was full speed ahead but things are slowing down so I pause to read a Money Diary on here. I so admire this diarist’s conviction in language learning/maintenance! My French is dans la poubelle because I haven’t kept up in a long time. For a while I’d do Duolingo, watch French-language movies and shows on Netflix, and book trips to Francophone cities so I could practice speaking (last trip was Montreal in December 2018). When COVID blows over I want to go to Martinique. I remind myself to check out some French-language films soon. I’m open to any recommendations, especially media that focuses on Francophones outside of France, or those from immigrant communities :)
I return to my data entry task. Giving away grants is fun. Tracking dollar amounts and grantee info with excel formulas, less so. I finish up the last of my soup and grilled cheese sandwich and give E. her lunch. I put on the student loan episode of Patriot Act as I eat. I’d truly be wowed if student loan forgiveness actually came to fruition. It’s either somewhat likely or not likely at all, depending on who you ask.
Post-lunch, I’m craving cupcakes bad. Did I mention I have an unrelenting sweet tooth? I look up cupcakes near me and mentally bribe myself with a cupcake order if I get my work done.
evening
My cupcake craving has subsided. I'll see how I'm feeling tomorrow. I normally eat dinner around 7 or 8pm but opt for an early dinner today: my leftover Mongolian Beef and peapod tips in garlic sauce, yum. I ordered Chinese takeout on Sunday. While my rice cooks, I bundle up for a trip to Walgreens. When I'm there I get a big thing of Dawn dish soap, some antibacterial wipes that are on sale, a bag of roasted cashews, a Reese's Fast Break bar, and a small bag of Pirate's Booty ($16.83).
By the time I get back my rice is nearly finished. My sink has some dirty dishes, so I wash those before reheating the Mongolian beef and peapod tips on my stove top. I'm one of those weirdos without a microwave… don't miss it at all though. I dig into my leftovers and reply to a message from D. which is quite imaginative. In the sexual sense ;) D. has a very sensual way with words and as a writer of course I'm into it. I go back for seconds, finishing the rest of my takeout leftovers. After dinner and some more reddit browsing I do my evening shower routine. At 10:30 pm my upstairs neighbor is annoyingly doing jumping jacks (that’s what it sounds like) or something that makes it very hard to focus. Ugh.
TOTAL: $16.83
DAY 3 - Friday
MorningI fell asleep unexpectedly and woke up around 2am. This kind of thing happens a lot. I guess my cat has adapted too, she’s always bugging me for food in the early morning hours. I feed my cat, brush my teeth, crawl back into bed and fall asleep an hour or so later.
I’m up again at 7:30, laying in bed before officially getting up. My mom calls me and I remember I promised to order her a Lyft to work. Her workplace has the COVID vaccine and she’s going to get the first dosage. She mentions that some symptoms are coming back - like shortness of breath, which she didn’t even have the first time - even though she’s been on the mend for the past week and just got the go-ahead from her doctor to work again. After I order my mom the Lyft ($31.46 incl. tip) I indulge in my nasty habit of googling medical stuff. I find an article about a woman who ended up in the hospital unexpectedly, 5 MONTHS after getting symptoms. Cue cortisol levels going up. I also have a work meeting this morning that I’m nervous about, having never led it alone before.
I get out of bed, feed my cat her breakfast + probiotic, take gummy vitamins, and get dressed with a black turtleneck, black jeans, and small hoop earrings. I try to breathe and remind myself that all will be fine. I have a habit of catastrophizing and generally thinking in worst-case scenarios, if that wasn’t already obvious. My meeting ends up going perfectly fine though, and my mom texts me later to say she took the train home (my Dad needed the car for work this morning). She is feeling fine for now. Since I skipped my morning smoothie I make one now with pear, kale, frozen strawberries, almond milk and honey. Eh, I’ve had better. But it’s drinkable.
afternoon
My morning flew! I’m running low on food so for lunch, I throw some crinkle cut fries in the oven. Grab an avocado, red onion, and a roma tomato from the fridge to make a quick guac. I also make a side of sriracha mayo.
Today is payday. It’s my rent paycheck so I’m not as excited tho. While my fries are in the oven I move some money to my Roth IRA. I watch one of my favorite Youtubers, King of Reads, while I eat my lunch. He has an interesting take on Gamestop Gate and basically says, abolish all this stock market shit. I do think there are a lot of evils in American capitalism, which was literally built off the backs of s colonized peoples. Like is this system even for us?
After lunch I get back to work. I also do something I seldom do: order groceries off Instacart. The anxiety of the day has drained me and I don’t feel like lugging a bunch of groceries home. Plus, the store I order from is cheaper than the one closest to me. I get some jasmine rice, a family pack of Nongshim ramen, green onions, carrots, zucchini, sirloin steak, ginger root, yellow onions, chili paste, bell peppers, white mushrooms, yellow squash, bok choy, kombucha, bamboo skewers, grape tomatoes, a bottle of Apothic Red and some hazelnut cookies. Add $10 for tip ($74.48). I do walk to the local grocery store anyway to 1) get some fresh air while it’s still daylight and 2) pick up smoothie ingredients. From there I get a big bag of frozen mixed berries, frozen mango chunks, an avocado, three bananas, almond milk, coconut sparkling water, and a sweet Belgian waffle ($18.15).
Evening
I knock out the last of my work tasks just in time for teletherapy at 5:10. I love my therapist. Been seeing her for going on three years and she’s changed my life. We talk and I feel lighter, remembering the progress I’ve made since I first walked into her office crying in 2018. After we hang up I get an email receipt for the cost, which is accounted for in monthly expenses. I put away my instacart delivery and message a bit more with D. Even though we’re just emailing, I truly enjoy his company. He makes me feel incredibly attractive and soft.
Glass of red wine in one hand, I play with E. for 15 minutes. Despite her age (over 10) she’s spry and will bug the hell out of me to indulge her. I spend the rest of the evening on the couch decompressing with my wine. I do my nightly shower routine but skip the weed because I know it'll make me fall asleep ASAP. Then I fry up the rest of my breakfast for dinner ingredients (minus avocado and egg) and eat them with sriracha.
TOTAL: $124.09
DAY 4 - Saturday
morning
Oops. Fell asleep and woke up at an odd hour. Again. Go brush my teeth and floss. My kitty is very awake and bugging me for attention so I smoke, play with her a bit, and go back to sleep.
Wake up a few hours later. I hear the unmistakable retching of my cat throwing up. Maybe she went too long without food...I mop up the small puddle with paper towels and spray my rug liberally with Nature's Miracle. When I feed E. her breakfast + probiotic she keeps it all down. I take gummy vitamins and get back into bed. From my phone, I go to my local dispensary's website to place an order for pick up, ultimately choosing a strain I've had before that's on sale. I log into my checking account to transfer money to my mom (accounted for in monthly expenses).
Actually get out of bed for real around 9:45am. Scoop E.’s litter box and prepare to get some freelance work done. I make a mango, pear and avocado smoothie with almond milk and honey and sit down to work. Girls plays in the background. I never watched this show when it was popular and was surprised by how funny it is (albeit problematic for a number of reasons).
Afternoon
Snack break! I brew some black tea and have it with the hazelnut cookies I got yesterday. 90 minutes later, once I’m two-thirds through my assignment, I make actual lunch: ramen noodles spruced up with minced garlic and ginger, scallion whites, bok choy, and mushrooms. All topped with scallion greens. Easy and d e l i c i o u s. There’s another snowstorm, urgh. I’m walking to pick up my weed and from my window, it doesn’t look too bad right now. Preorder a Honey Citrus Mint from Starbucks for the long walk ($3.27) and bundle up. It’s an hour round trip but I love walking and don’t really work out so...I take my exercise where I can get it. Stop by the ATM to withdraw cash for flower ($70). On my way back from picking up I indulge in a carrot cake slice from a popular bakery in the area. ($8.13 incl. tip). Okay, I’m set on sweets for awhile. For now :)
Evening
I finally wrap up my freelance assignment and share it with my editor. Shower time. Take a hit from my one hitter and do my nightly routine. Once finished, I change my mind on dinner. I’d originally planned to make a quick "bibimbap" (air quotes because it's very much a knock off) and even steamed rice ahead of time, but carrot cake is sounding good right now. Carrot cake it is! I have some more hazelnut cookies for a well-balanced meal. Give the kitty her dinner and fall asleep with the TV on.
TOTAL: $81.40
DAY 5 - Sunday
Morning
Woke up at an odd hour again. (around 4 am). E. is being a butt once again so I feed her an early breakfast with her probiotic. Brush my teeth, floss, and go back to sleep for a few hours. Get up and out of bed for real around 9:30 and clean up a bit, doing one load of laundry and vacuuming my rug and floors. I finally cook and eat the bibimbap meant for yesterday (minus the egg). I have a virtual date with a college friend I haven’t spoken to in a while, so we spend a few hours catching up! My friendship with her is ever-evolving. She was someone I put on a pedestal for a long time, until she disappointed me when I really needed her and hurt me deeply. I’ve worked to let go of that resentment and remind myself that 1) she is very much human, 2) she is not a better person than I am and 3) I can’t expect everyone to have the same heart that I have. Tough but necessary lessons to learn.
Afternoon
I really should deep clean E’s litter box today but ehhhh, not feeling it. I clean my bathtub, bathroom sink and mirror instead and wipe down some surfaces. I also sip some red wine blended with frozen strawberries (10/10, would recommend!) and start meal prepping for later. I’m making suya - West African meat skewers - so I thinly slice my sirloin steak while it’s semi-frozen and refrigerate the rest to fully defrost. I also chop up more garlic, ginger, bok choy, mushrooms, and scallions for ramen later. I know I’m going to get high very soon and won’t want to do too much, so I’m doing what future high-me will thank me for. Light an oudh incense stick, reply to a message from D., and submit my $250 invoice for freelance work. Put food out for E.
The snow is still pouring in from yesterday. Maybe we’ll get those 10 inches of snow after all. I smoke a bit and cook the same ramen as yesterday but add a fried egg and some sesame oil. I inhale the whole thing and drink all the broth, either it's really this amazing or I'm just stoned. For dessert, I brew black tea and have it with the rest of my hazelnut cookies.
evening
Shower routine time! As much as I hate cleaning the bathtub, that first shower afterwards is the best. Wash my hair with Aussie Moist conditioner (I keep my hair very short and cut it myself) and moisturize with copious coconut oil. Listen to one of my favorite podcasts while in the shower, Say Your Mind with Kelechi Okafor. I love listening to her and her brother’s banter, it feels like I'm among friends.
I've been eating throughout the day so I'm not too hungry come dinner time. I have some crinkle cut fries with sriracha mayo and crack open a kombucha. Rewatch more old episodes of Girls. Why is Adam Driver so attractive to me, even if his character on the show is awful (they're all awful, really)?
TOTAL: $0
Day 6 - Monday
morning
Odd sleep hours strike again! I should mention that I also brush my teeth while I’m in the shower, lest you think I brush once a day only :) Take gummy vitamins and give my nagging E. her early morning meal after playing with her a bit. Scroll on Reddit until I fall back asleep.
Get up and start the day for real at 8:40. Clean a few dirty dishes from last night and give E. breakfast, round #2 with her probiotic. Brush my teeth moisturize my hair, and choose an oatmeal, knee-length knit dress to wear with small hoop earrings. I make a smoothie with a navel orange, some frozen strawberries, frozen banana that I almost forgot about, and almond milk. It’s February now. Happy Black History/Present/Future Month. February is actually one of my least favorite months but after the January I’ve had, I’m ready to move on swiftly. E. is fascinated by all the snowblowing that our neighbors do outside the window. Chicago hasn’t been hit this hard with snow in 5 years - 9 inches!
This is a very slow morning, work wise. Snack on cashews. Work on some excel data and open a tab for Girl Scout Cookies. It’s that seasonnnn. Note that there’s a four box minimum to get cookies. I’ll save my cookie order for next week.
afternoon
The sunlight is giving me life today. I’m getting my Vitamin D through the window, though a walk to the beach sounds lovely. After doing a bit more work, it’s lunch time. I steam some jasmine rice and fry carrots, zucchini, mushrooms, bok choy, and scallion whites in soy sauce and chili paste for my knockoff bibimbap. With an egg this time. Then I decide to bundle up and walk to the beach for additional vitamin D. I only live five minutes away :) . The sand and shoreline are all covered in snow but peaceful nonetheless. I've actually never been to the beach in the dead of winter before. God, I love Lake Michigan. Never understood the hype around oceans, especially because you can't drink the water. Have my phone check in with my boss. Message a bit with D. and round up my tasks for the day.
evening
D. encouraged me to follow my impulses and order the greasy pizza I’m craving right now. But I have food in the fridge. Sigh. Cut up my veggies and season them for veggie kabobs to go with the suya, which has marinated in a spice rub. Put the veggies and meat on skewer sticks and put it all in the oven. It comes out…okay-ish. The meat is a bit overdone and not as flavorful as I'd hoped. Not terrible for a first try, I suppose. Eat two veggie kabobs and two suya sticks. Fall down the Reddit rabbithole for way too damn long. Also check on my mom and how she's doing. She said she's okay now, taking things one day at a time. Feed the kitty her dinner. Do my nighttime routine (including brushing my teeth) and snuggle in bed to watch more Girls. Snack on graham crackers since I have no other sweets or candy handy.
TOTAL: $0
Day 7 - Tuesday
morningMe and my fucked up sleep schedule. No judgment, plz. Wake up at an odd hour again, brush my teeth, feed the cat, smoke a bit, and go back asleep.
My mom calls me at 8 to tell me she might need me to call her a Lyft again - this is not a typical nor regular expense btw - because she has one of her work trainings and my Dad took the car for work. She asks if I still want to go to Nigeria this summer since she’s about to get tickets. IDK! I’m not comfortable traveling internationally...but my Nigerian passport also expires this year and it was a huge pain in the ass to get it in the first place. I enjoy visiting, though I always have a lot of personal shit to navigate while there. Being part of a diaspora is complicated.
Also wake up to a steamy message from D. Steamy enough for me to get myself off, truly the best way to start any morning. My period has started...fun. I was expecting it though. Feed E. her breakfast with a probiotic, take gummy vitamins, brush my teeth, moisturize hair, and get dressed in a grey turtleneck, black Adidas soccer pants, and gold hoop earrings. Blend frozen mango chunks, a small banana, greek yogurt and almond milk into a smoothie. I also brew a cup of lemon tea. Pop two ibuprofen and start my work day with a staff meeting.
afternoon
Light a candle and keep working! Ok, I actually break for a few YouTube videos, one from MelinaPendulum about the Sex And the City reboot. To sum it up: why do one?? What’s the point if Samantha isn’t even coming back? I put out E.’s lunch. I also steam some jasmine rice to eat with the suya and veggie kabobs from last night. Damn I wish I had some steak sauce. Oh well. Eat lunch and call a Lyft for my mom. ($25.99, incl. tip). Work with more Sex and the City in the background.
EveningThe work day has ended and I am desperately in need of snacks! I load $10 on my Starbucks app and then decide to not get anything. I planned to fuck up some hot chocolate but the way my cramps are fading and coming back, it’s best to stay away from a drink with 57 grams of sugar. Pick up some Lysol wipes, a bottle of club soda, Fig Newtons, Ritz Crackers to go with the block of cheese in my fridge, a Reese’s Fast Break bar, and some Haribo Happy Cola gummies. ($11.69)
Get home, pour a small glass of Apothic Red and play with E. for a little bit. Then go down another Reddit rabbithole before making my dinner - ramen, minus the egg. Still delicious! Message D. for a bit and do my shower routine. I did not read very much this week, maybe it’s a testament to me not liking my book that much? Hmmm....my neighbor starts his incredibly annoying exercise routine and I fall asleep waiting for it to stop.
TOTAL: $47.68
--
GRAND TOTAL = $274.60
Food + Drink = $133.37
Fun / Entertainment = $70
Home + Health = $13.78
Other = $57.45
All in all, this was an unsurprising week, especially since I’m already in the habit of tracking expenses daily. The two atypical things were the Lyft rides for my mom - an infrequent occurrence - and my weed purchase, which happens once monthly. I suppose I could have included that in my monthly expenses. Please don’t roast me for my sleep schedule! I know issa mess. Also, I feed my cat four times a day in case that’s unclear.
Edit: Any and every time I left my home I wore a mask and then washed my hands thoroughly upon return.

Mikayla Murray went missing twelve years ago, on the eve of her 18th birthday. She didn’t have any big plans or anything, but her friends described her as having been in a particularly good mood for what was an otherwise perfectly normal Friday. She’d gone to school, soccer practice, work, and then came home for a night of movies with her kid brother, James. He was more excited for her birthday than she was. Even wanted to stay awake with her until midnight but, of course, had fallen asleep right away. When he woke in the middle of the night, he saw her headlights shining through his window and watched as they rushed down their country road, not knowing that it was the last he’d ever see of her. The poor kid was only five and would be forever tormented over why she’d left him, or why she’d never come back.
It wasn’t until the sun came up on that cold Saturday morning that anyone realized something was wrong. Her parents entered her room to wish her a happy birthday, only to find her bed empty, car gone, and phone off. They’d started their rounds of calls to all Mikayla’s friends, but nobody had seen or heard from her. Panic really started to set in when Mikayla’s car was found abandoned on the side of a heavily wooded road, facing the wrong direction, practically in the middle of nowhere. There were no parks or hiking trails, nor were there any signs of a struggle, or any evidence of where she might have gone next.
Until Mikayla’s parents followed that road on a map. They knew she had a boyfriend, Tom. He was a year older and had just gone off to college. He’d been trying to get Mikayla to come visit him but her parents forbid it. But if they hadn’t, this was the very road Mikayla would have taken to get there. So while Linda Murray filed the missing person’s report, Paul Murray sped on up that road, all the way to Tom’s university. Tom swore to him (and, later, the investigators) that he hadn’t seen her in weeks. That he’d been in his room studying that night. His roommate confirmed as much, with the added disclosure of having later gone home, where he’d then spent the weekend. The rest was uncertain. The police looked deeper into Tom and found strands of Mikayla’s hair in his car, which proved nothing foul, but it spooked him enough into admitting that he’d seen Mikayla more recently than he’d stated. That he’d picked her up late the weekend prior for a midnight drive. This sounded precisely like what had happened the night she’d gone missing, but police found nothing to substantiate it. Tom was eventually cleared as a suspect, and the Murrays would never let it go. They were certain he was involved in Mikayla’s disappearance. So certain, that Paul Murray spent several nights sitting outside Tom’s dorm, waiting to catch his daughter going in or out. Tom’s family wanted to press charges, but Paul had friends in the Sheriff’s Office, who’d assured the family that it would not happen again, and left Paul with a very stern warning. But being friends with law enforcement only went so far, as the case would soon go cold, with days, weeks, and months passing by without any further updates. The public moved on, while the people in Mikayla’s life were left with this dark cloud of uncertainty, wondering what had happened to her. If she was out there somewhere, alive.
And she was. She was about to return home after more than a decade gone. Because I’m Mikayla Murray, and I ran away that night to start a new life.
That’s what I told the Murrays, anyway. I had no fucking idea what happened to that girl.
———
I’m awful, I know. I’m not proud of myself. I was desperate. Homeless, and on the run. Smoking a pack a day. Sleeping with men from bars for money, only to spend it at another bar and do it all over again. I was stuck and needed a plan. Then I saw her face. Mikayla Murray. It was on a bulletin board at some cheap motel I’d been passing through. There were half a dozen girls on there, but Mikayla stood out, her blonde hair straight and pretty, her blue eyes as wide as her smile. It stopped me dead in my tracks, because she looked like me. Exactly like me. I could’ve swapped in one of my old high school photos and nobody would’ve noticed. Not that anyone was paying attention to this board or these girls anymore. Even the lady at the motel, who’d spotted me staring, said, “They ain’t comin’ home, dear, but I don’t got the heart to take’em down.” I was curious, enough to turn on the phone I’d kept in my bag just in case. My father had long stopped paying for it, but the motel offered free WiFi and I’d used it to read more about Mikayla. I learned that she was only two years older than me, and that the photo in the lobby wasn’t just a one-off. She resembled me in every other photo, of which there were many, along with theories about what had happened to her. I couldn’t have given any less of a shit about that rabbit hole. What got my interest were the earrings Mikayla wore in these photos, or the necklace her mother wore at the press conference, or the watch on her dad’s wrist. As I dug deeper, it became clear that the Murrays had money, a fair good amount of it. After entertaining Jerry from the bar (and stealing his jacket), I ripped a butt late that night and decided… one of those girls was coming home. And it was going to be me.
The Murrays still lived in the same house, an hour west of the small Michigan towns I’d been nesting in, which worked perfectly, as I’d been toying with the idea of going back home to Chicago. It was a cheap way to justify the awful thing I was about to do, because in reality there was no fucking way I was actually going back home, even with Murray fortune in my pockets. It’s frightening what we’ll do to ensure we’re the good guys in our story. As I dished out a small chunk of my remaining cash to hop on a bus, I felt no hesitation, or fear. Sure it was risky, but I wasn’t planning on being there for more than a night. I’d done enough research on Mikayla to get in, find what I could take, and get out. I was going to beg the family to give me one day before alerting anyone that I’d returned. To let me rest in my own bed before being swarmed by whatever media Nowhere, Indiana had to offer. After miles and miles of cornfields, I’d hoped to have plenty of time to escape that wave. When the bus arrived at the station, I could’t help but notice how out of place it looked, like it had been copied and pasted from somewhere else, standing out among the run down outlets, shops, and restaurants. I spotted a seedy looking bar next to an even more questionable looking mechanic and thought about making a detour. I needed a drink. But I couldn’t. I had to make sure not to talk to anyone. I couldn’t risk being mistaken for the town’s longest missing girl, not here, not now.
So when an older man approached me outside the station as I smoked one last cigarette, I’d panicked. He asked if I could bum him one, said that he really needed it. So I did, just to make him go away. Then he started rambling on about his car having broken down in this shithole and how he was stuck here until they fixed it. He told me his name and then asked me my mine. I told him it was Abby. It’s not. He said I’d reminded him of his niece back in Iowa, something I pretended was interesting. Maybe I can pretend to be her too, I thought. When I finished smoking, I wished him luck and set off for what I came here to do. I shoved the rest of my cigarettes and lighter deep into my backpack, along with my real identity, and when I turned down Lincoln Ave, I was no longer me. Or Abby. I was Mikayla Murray.
———
The Murray’s lived a pretty secluded life. Their home sat alone in the middle of endless planes, their neighbors barely dots in the distance. I was starting to understand why Mikayla might have run away. Although, the house itself was beautiful, with many protruding sections and gables, a wraparound porch, and a large, two-door garage. There was even an inground swimming pool out back (now covered and topped with autumn leaves), and a cute little gazebo further off in the field, draped in numerous flags and dreamcatchers, with flower pots lining the railings. It certainly didn’t look like the kind of place tragedy had struck.
I stepped quietly up the stairs and was almost spooked by my own reflection in the glass of their front door. Nerves were definitely setting in now. I rang the bell and felt my stomach sink. What if my dirty-blonde hair wasn’t light enough, or if Mikayla had had some obvious birthmark I’d overlooked? I was sweating underneath my coat, unable to recall the name of the name of the man I’d taken it from. When the door opened, my heart stopped. Linda Murray was standing there in her casual weekend wear, pleasantly confused.
“Hello,” she greeted me. Then her face went white in an instant, like her soul had left her body. She shrieked and clasped her hands to her mouth, bursting into tearful exclamations. “Oh my god!” she kept repeating. She suddenly lunged forward and squeezed me tighter than I would have liked, her arms attempting to wrap all the way around my backpack. I stood there awkwardly, bracing all of her weight onto my mine, as she surely was about to collapse. The dog at her legs was barking madly, and, as Linda’s tears dropped onto my back, all I could think about was how pissed off I’d be had I gotten caught because the fucking dog didn’t recognize my scent.
“What is it, Linda?” Mikayla’s dad called from somewhere inside. He soon appeared in the doorway, his button-up tucked into his jeans, and when saw my cold, pale face poking over Linda’s shoulder, he stumbled back.
“What is this?” he gasped. His eyes went wide and his bushy grey mustache twitched. The dog was still barking, reminding me that I was in fact a stranger in this house.
I smiled and said, “I’m home, Daddy.” I was trying to make myself cry, and if Linda had squeezed me any harder, I just might have. She held onto my sleeve as we let go, as though afraid her daughter would run off again. Paul Murray was still staring at me in disbelief, when something shifted in his face and he stepped forward.
“Come here, baby girl,” he uttered. Linda passed me off like a toy she did not want to share. Paul pulled me into his arms and held even tighter than she had. We rocked back and forth for a moment. “I can’t believe it’s you,” he whispered. Linda rushed for the door and yelled inside, calling for her son James.
“Come inside, baby,” Paul beamed as he released me, keeping a hand on my back and beckoning me inward. “It’s cold, come!”
We moved into the foyer where Paul asked to take my coat, which I happily handed him. Now that I was inside, I could practically smell the bar on it. “Your bag, sweetie?” he added.
I shook my head and said, “No, that’s okay.” He made a face and I worried it was suspicion, and then worried more that my worrying was the only thing suspicious. I had to settle down. I’d nearly jumped when Paul turned the locks and hit a button on the alarm system. It chimed louder than I would have expected. I wondered if all this had always existed or if it was a result of their daughter having slipped out one night, never to be seen again. One of her coats still hung on a hook by the door, untouched after all these years. Now mine hung next to it. Well, Danny’s or whatever.
As we moved even further inside, I was blown away by how nice this place was, so much so that I’d slipped and let it show; nothing in this house was supposed to be surprising to me. It was hard not to be impressed by the high ceilings and book shelves, or the many sofas beside a grand marble fireplace, or the fact that this was just the room that branched off to all the other rooms, one they’d probably hardly ever used. As I continued to survey my surroundings, a figure high above caught my eye. It was James. He looked down over the railing and looked more flabbergasted than anyone to have seen me. At seventeen, he was now the same age his sister was when she vanished, only much taller, but with the same baby face.
“Look, James! Look who it is!” Linda cried joyfully. “It’s sissy! Come give her a hug!”
I wanted to puke. James didn’t move right away, and when he did it was this slow, cautious crawl. I figured surely, of all people, I’d have been safest around James. After all, he’d hardly ever known his sister. Yet the baby blue eyes behind his jet black hair were piercing into mine, searching for the girl he so dearly missed. I couldn’t think of what to say to him, and was distracted by the feel of the cigarettes in my bag. I needed one.
“Hi,” was all he mustered, stopping at the foot of the stairs.
“Hey goober,” I replied. I had no idea if that was something Mikayla ever called him, but neither had anyone else. James and I then did something resembling a hug and let go. Linda looked on, face red, still overcome with emotion. Paul was smiling at us.
“Let’s go sit, yeah?” he suggested. “You look exhausted.”
He wasn’t wrong. I couldn’t wait to sit down. There probably wasn’t a piece of furniture in this place less comfortable than the mattresses I’d been living on for the last decade. I held in my amazement as we marched from room to room, deeper and deeper into the house. Linda was still exhaling this stuttered, painful sob, and kept reaching to touch me in any way, a hand on the back or a light brush of the hair. It was annoying, but then again I’d never learned how to have a mother. When I shrugged Linda off, she looked heartbroken. It was at that moment that I finally began to feel like the asshole I knew I was.
After passing through the kitchen and down another hall, we stopped in their second, larger living room. It was very open, the ceiling reaching all the way up to the third story, with photos lined as high as a ladder could reach. I followed Mikayla’s progression of school photos, remarking how eerily similar they were to mine, and how they were one photo short. There was an upper level beside us, where a grand piano sat in one corner, and a bar in the other, separated by yet another fireplace. I imagined how nice a Christmas tree must’ve looked in here, even during the day with the natural light coming in through the sliding glass doors to the back porch.
Each Murray dropped onto a separate couch on the lower level. Paul gestured for me to sit next to Linda, who, of course, was eager to be next to me. James was slouched directly across, staring down at the ground. The rest of us were darting our eyes, waiting for someone to begin.
Paul cleared his throat. “Let me just start by saying that… we’re not mad.” Linda was nodding feverishly in agreement. Paul went on. “We just want to know what happened.”
Something inside my gut wrung. If my actual dad had showed even an ounce of this concern, I might not have run away myself. Instead, he took his brother’s side. My abuser.
I dropped my head. “I needed to get out of here. I felt trapped. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone, I just didn’t know what else to do. I’m really sorry...” It certainly wasn’t Oscar-worthy, but I wasn’t playing the long-con. I only needed to be passable long enough for me to swipe several of the items we’d passed along the journey to this room.
Paul nodded slowly, gazing off somewhere over my shoulder. “Okay,” was all he said. It was somehow worse than anything else he could have said. For all I knew, Mikayla had had a great life here, with a loving family. Now I was making them feel responsible. Each of them was staring off somewhere, letting my story sink into their minds. I wanted to sink into the couch.
“Where did you go, Mikayla?” Linda suddenly wondered.
Paul leaned forward. “No, Linda. It’s okay. She’s not a little girl anymore. That’s her business. Listen baby girl, we don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want. All that matters now is that you’re home, and you’re safe.”
He reached for my hands and held on gently. It was strangely comforting. For the first time in my life, I’d felt cared for, and safe. In my short time there, I’d completely flipped my thinking. What if Mikayla was just another stupid teenager rebelling against parents who were only trying to protect her? What if she’d sneaked out to celebrate her 18th birthday with her college boyfriend at some frat party? What if he slipped something into her drink? Or if she got too experimental? What if someone offered her something she’d never tried before, and she took it? To be cool? To show off in front of her college boyfriend’s college friends?
I’d spent my whole life wishing I had hers. What if she’d just left it?
“You know what? I have an idea,” Paul said with a clap. “Linda, why don’t you go out and get stuff for pork sandwiches? I’ll cook up some tater tots? Yeah?” He was looking at me with raised eyebrows like I was supposed to know what the fuck he was talking about. So I pretended to. This must have been some sort of Murray tradition or Mikayla’s favorite meal.
“That sounds great,” I replied. I tried to smile at James but it was clear he wasn’t ready to forgive his sister for abandoning him.
Linda hopped up. “Mikayla, sweetie, do you wanna come with me?” I hated how often she was saying her name, and how she spoke to me like I was five.
Before I got a chance to respond, Paul chimed in. “Hun, let her breathe. Run to the store, I’ll get things started here, and you,” he said to me, “go rest up. It’s gonna be crazy here by tomorrow. I just wanna have one night as a family first.”
I could not have agreed more. Everything was going exactly as I had planned, maybe better. There was a really shiny, diamond-studded vase across the room calling my name, right next to an autographed jersey of some football player I’d never heard of. I was gonna walk out with one while wearing the other.
“Go on up to your room,” Paul said to me. “We’ll come get you when it’s ready.”
Linda pulled me in for another hug and kissed me on the side of the head. She looked over at James and saw that he was looking rather lifeless. She caught his attention and made a tipping motion toward her mouth, to which James replied, “I took them already.” He finally glanced my way, but it wasn’t quite the look I wanted to see. There was more than just betrayal in his eyes.
Everyone broke at once and dispersed, Paul heading for the kitchen, and Linda making her way out. I grabbed my backpack and followed a sluggish James up the stairs, feeling good about how things were going so far. Until it occurred to me that I’d had no idea which room was Mikayla’s. It wasn’t something she’d ever have forgotten, not even after twelve years. James and I rounded the corner and were faced with a long, narrow hallway with several doors. I feared I was going to have to guess the right one, when James threw me a lifeline.
“Hey,” he began. He’d stopped in front of his door and turned to me. “Do you want to hangout? Watch a movie or something?” Even this had come out tense, like he was being forced to ask. Then I remembered that this had been the last thing he and Mikayla had done together.
“Yeah, sure,” I said happily. “I don’t think I’m ready to see my room yet anyway.”
James nodded, and the knot in my stomach untwisted. When we entered his room and I was surprised by how neat it was, so much so that it felt wrong laying my dirty bag down. James’ baggy jeans and messy hair gave me a totally different vibe, but his bed was made, the walls were bare, and the desk in the corner looked like it had hardly ever been used. The one window in the room had a perfect view of the setting sun beyond the fields. Its shadow cast a line between the pool below and the gazebo that was just barely visible from this vantage point.
I heard a lock click.
“We need to go, now,” James whispered. He let his neutral expression drop into one of panic. I watched in confusion as he rushed over to his closet and threw on a sweater, cursing under his breath as he did so. When he looked up at me again, it was like he’d forgotten I was there.
“What are you talking about?” I demanded.
James shook his head. “He knows. He knew the whole time.”
My brain was automatically rattling off ways to salvage this, but there was no point. I was caught, and something other than my identity was bothering him. That made me nervous.
“What gave it away?” I wondered.
He looked at me like I was crazy. “Do you have any idea what’s going on here? He killed her! He buried her!”
My heart stopped. “What?” That wasn’t in any of the theories I’d read online. Like everyone else, I had been so sure it was the boyfriend, Tom. It was obvious. But the look of fear washing over James’ face was hitting me as well. “How do you know that?”
He took me by the arm and dragged me to the window. “Look,” he spat with a outward finger against the glass. Far beyond the covered pool sat the gazebo, lifeless and weather worn, with noticeable chips in its white paint. Only its right side was visible from behind the rest of the house. I could see the flags encircling its beams, waving calmly above a row of gardening supplies. James was breathing heavily as he stared out at it, his eyes fixed, even as he spoke. “He built it right after she disappeared. And we’re not allowed to use it. Calls it his garden. I climbed it once when I was ten and he beat the shit out of me. But I’ve seen him out there at night, a couple times. Spraying the plants. Fixing the dirt. And look—” He hurried to his dresser and rummaged through before pulling something out and jamming it into my gut. I reached down. It was a dirty, purple bracelet, all stretchy and rubber. It had Mikayla’s name on it. I played with it in my hand.
“Remi dug that up last year,” said James. “Dropped it right at my feet. And I remember it! I remember her wearing it that night!”
I stared at it and let it slide down onto my wrist, trying to find any counter to his theory. “You saw her drive off,” I reminded him.
“I saw her car drive off.”
There was a voice in the back of my mind telling me he was delusional. But the voice that believed him was louder, and much more afraid. I watched, mouth agape, as he struggled to tie his shoes. He kept messing up and starting over, spitting more curses under his breath. My thoughts were swirling. “James, why haven’t you called the police?”
“Because I can’t!” It was louder than he’d intended. He stood up and recollected himself. “My dad is friends with the sheriff. If a cop pulls up, he’ll kill us. If I run, he‘ll—he’ll—kill my mom! I don’t even think she’d believe me!”
I put my hands up to quiet him but the fearful cry he’d been holding in had burst out. He covered his mouth to push it back in, along with the snot and tears that were oozing out of him. He rushed over to his bedside drawer and picked up a bottle of pills, swiftly popping a few into his mouth. My chest was getting tighter. “Why can’t we just play along a little longer?” I said. “I’ll leave tonight.”
“If we go downstairs, we’re dead. We were dead the second you got here. The police, the news, they’ll all be here tomorrow whether you’re here or not. They could find her. I could tell them. My dad might snap, like he did on Mikayla. You don’t understand, he’d rather die than get caught. And he’d take us with him, I know it. So we need to go. Out the window. Now. We’ll just run.”
At that point, it no longer mattered to me if James was right or if he was out of his fucking mind. I wanted to get out of there. I looked out the window again. It was starting to get dark. I would’ve preferred a more casual escape over jumping off the roof, but if what he was saying was true then we had no choice. I was craving a cigarette more than ever, and that alone was almost enough to get me on that roof.
“We could take a bus,” I said. “It’s how I got here. It’s only a couple miles that way.”
“I know where it is. We just have to stay off the roads. We can use the fields for cover, and then once we—”
There was a knock on the door.
“James?” It was Paul. He tried turning the handle. “Everything all right in there?”
Without hesitation, James ran for the window and opened it. I could hear the faint chime of the alarm from somewhere out in the hall. Paul’s jiggling of the locked door grew more aggressive. “What the hell is going on in there? Open the door.” When he started pounding on it, I threw on my bag and joined James, who was already halfway out the window. Together we scurried on the roof, hopped onto the back porch, and dropped down onto the rather large portico above the back door. I’d almost fallen down the side but James held me up. A loud crash came booming from back up in his room. I looked up.
“Don’t stop!” James yelled.
He jumped first onto the lawn, and I followed. Both of my feet and knees took the impact hard, the ground underneath the autumn foliage deceptively solid. James helped me up, and we took off running. Against his advice, I looked back and saw Paul peeking out James’ window. He shouted to us and then disappeared. James had already separated himself a good distance from me. I kept pushing my legs as he called back for me to do so, my backpack bouncing off my ass with each stride. There was a road in the distance, the same road I’d trudged along to get here. I could see where it met the orange and purple sky. It felt like it was never getting any closer.
A gun shot rang loud, ripping across the plains. Paul was now standing by the back door aiming a rifle in our direction, his cries chasing us behind the gunpowder. Another bang and my legs buckled. When I’d reached the gazebo, I hid behind it to catch my breath. There was a sharp, debilitating pain in my side. I held myself up on one of the railings and thought I could feel my heartbeat vibrating against the wood. I swore if I’d survived this, I would quit smoking. I peaked around the corner and saw Paul hurry into the garage, James calling out for me by the road. But as I stood there frozen against the gazebo, flags caressing my shoulder, I thought about the girl buried underneath. What if James was right? What if nobody ever found Mikayla’s remains? What if we didn’t make it out of there, and nobody ever knew? I thought of my own story, unheard and not believed. When I’d told my dad what my uncle had done all those years, he hit me. I couldn’t let this story stay buried too.
I took out my lighter and lit a flag, and then another. The fire burned slowly, picking up quick as it caught onto more flags and dreamcatchers, then down to the plants below. I stumbled back and watched the flames spread and dance along the darkening sky. I hoped, at the very least, it would be a distraction, and more so enough to attract law enforcement. I could hear Linda’s shrill voice crying out at the sight of it. She’d rushed around the side of the house with groceries in her hands, calling out for her husband who had just sped off in his truck. He was coming.
I made one last dash for James, who was impatiently waving me on. He took my arm and led me across the road his father would soon be turning onto. We slipped into the cornfield and kept going until we heard the roar of an engine pass by. We froze until there was nothing but the wind, the pain in my side still nagging me. As dark as the sky had rapidly grown, it was even darker in that field, the corn towering over us, clinging to life as much as we were. Paul’s headlights were shining through from not much farther ahead. We waited in terror, for a crunch, or a shout, or, ideally, for the truck to zoom off. Another gunshot rang high into the air. I gasped and had to cover my mouth to quiet my breathing.
“What are you doing with my son?” Paul called in a singsongy fashion. We could hear him walking about over the sound of his engine purring. “Where the fuck are you?” His footsteps wandered around, farther, closer, then farther again, separated only by the sound of swishing corn as he searched randomly along the outer edge. There was a pause, followed by a door slamming shut. Paul’s truck whirled and sped back down the road. I exhaled as James tugged on my arm and instructed to keep going. We pushed through more corn and followed along the road as best as we could. I never would have imagined being in this situation when I’d walked down it earlier that day. Now I was wishing I never had.
Sirens suddenly wailed nearby, and eventually rushed past us. The glow of the flames had grown noticeably brighter in the distance, the smoke visible high above the fields.
“Holy shit,” James gasped. “C’mon, we need to keep moving. Are you okay?”
“Yeah...” I wasn’t.
We shuffled farther through the corn, shoving it aside more aggressively as we went. I could hardly see more than a few feet in front of me. After a while, we could hear a steady buzz of passing vehicles, indicating that we’d reached the city, but also the end of the cornfields. We stepped out onto a road and into the glow of street lights. I felt like I could breathe again, for just a moment.
“You ready?” he said. “We gotta move quick, but we gotta blend in.”
I’d realized in that moment how truly young James was, and how insane I was for having put my life in his hands. I was twenty-eight, but felt just like the same little girl I was all those years ago, hoping her father would protect her. I’d only hoped James was better at it.
We dashed across an empty street and then slipped into the downtown area. I kept my head down. Most of the businesses on the strip were closed for the night, but the bar I’d seen earlier was now glowing in its neon signs, which did a good job masking its otherwise unapproachable façade. There were locals standing outside having a smoke, drunkenly arguing about nothing. James and I crossed the street, and when we reached the bus station, I was relieved to see the lights were still on. This relief would not last.
“Incoming only, folks,” the man at the desk told us. “You’ll have to wait until morning. Sorry.”
I was already making my way for the exit. James caught up with me. “What are you doing?”
“I’m getting the fuck out of here.”
“What am I suppose to do?” He followed alongside me, being more conspicuous than I would’ve liked.
I stopped and leaned in close. “I don’t fucking care. Come with me, or don’t. I’m leaving!”
I was on the verge of crying, the lump in my throat growing larger. James stood there at a complete loss. I looked at him and saw the five year old boy who woke up that night all alone, the streetlights above shining in his eyes like the headlights he’d watched disappear. “I’m sorry,” I added. “I just wanna go home.” I couldn’t believe I had said it, and meant it. Then I realized James couldn’t go home. If my fire failed, he was going to be on his own, on the run, and homeless at seventeen. Just like I was.
“They’re going to find Mikayla,” I assured him. “Then you’ll be safe.”
He was trembling. “What if they don’t?”
I had no answer, not one he would have liked anyway. Even if we’d made a call to the police that very moment, I could already see Paul going home and putting the rifle to Linda’s head before putting it in his mouth. I’d wondered if he already had. I think James did too. He leaned into me and started to cry. He was a whole foot taller than me, and boney, but I held onto him, not like I had with Paul or Linda, but with earnest.
“Excuse me!”
A voice suddenly called out to us. I was about to run when I saw a familiar face. The old man I’d smoked with earlier was approaching us from the mechanic’s lot next to us. His face twisted when he recognized me back. “Oh, it’s you! Abby, right? Everything all right over here?”
James and I looked at each other but said nothing. An idea crossed my mind. “Actually no, sir. We’re stuck here too.”
The man, whose name I’d forgotten, grinned. “Huh. Well. Car’s fixed! I’m about to head out if you guys need a lift. Where ya’ headed?”
“Anywhere,” I begged.
His smile faded. “Right. Okay. Sure. That’s fine. I’m gonna be driving west down 80 for a while, if that works for y’all.”
“Yes,” I said. “That’s perfect.”
James and I followed the man back to the lot and hopped into his old station wagon. I took the front. I thanked the old man repeatedly, even offered him gas money, but he refused it. Said he was happy to help. He introduced himself to a catatonic James in back, reminding me his name was Frank. My eyes kept darting between Frank’s and the rearview mirror he was periodically checking. James was huffing short, panicked breaths. I’d wondered if he needed his meds.
We drove in silence for a while. You couldn’t see anything beyond the headlight’s path, just a deep empty void. The old man tried to spark up conversation, but neither James nor I were up for it. He’d asked if we wanted the radio on or off, if we were hungry, if we were cold, hot. Each time, I told him we were fine. He took the hint, and we drove for hours down the same stretch of highway having barely spoken. Until James had fallen asleep.
“I know it ain’t my business, young lady, but are you sure you and your friend are okay?” Frank kept his voice just above the hum of the radio. I assured him once more that we were fine, even though my mind was still back on Lincoln Ave, wondering what had been happening that very moment at the Murray household. If the flames revealed the truth below, or if they were extinguished before they got the chance. I played an imagined scene in my mind over and over: the fire trucks, the inspection of the damage, Paul watching eagerly nearby, ready to run. The discovery of bones, the call to the Sheriff, the arrest of the man he’d known and tried to help all those years ago, or whom he might now have to hunt down.
“Will you at least tell me your real name?” Frank asked, bringing me back to reality. We had so clearly been withholding truth from this poor man. All he wanted was just a small piece of it, maybe so he could justify the crazy thing he had done that day.
I looked down at my fidgeting hands and noticed the purple bracelet still tight along my wrist, the pink lettering of Mikayla’s name flashing with every passing street light. I’d forgotten that I was still wearing it. I thought about how badly I wanted to give her the ending she’d deserved. The one she’d wanted for herself. An escape. Freedom. How easy it would have been to do it, to say her name.
“It’s Rachel,” I uttered instead.
Frank smiled at me. “Well, Rachel. It’s nice to finally meet you.”
I let him drive us another hour. It was almost midnight. When I woke James to get out, he jumped. I had Frank drop us off at a cheap bed and breakfast, something I’d grown quite accustomed to over the years. I tried once more to pay him but he wound up giving me money instead. It wasn’t much, but the gesture alone was beyond kind. In spite of everything I’d been through that day and all that came before it, it wasn’t any less meaningful coming across someone as genuinely good as that man.
I felt bad that I’d lied to him about my name again.
———
James and I shared a bed, sleeping head to toe beside a rattling air conditioner. I wouldn’t have slept anyway. I was plenty happy with the four hours I got. When I woke early the following morning, I stepped outside for a cigarette and enjoyed every moment of it. I’d quit another day. James was sitting up in bed by the time I went back inside, his hair an awful mess, his tired eyes red. He’d asked me what our plan was. He was impatient, and I understood. I told him that we should eat breakfast first and figure it out from there. It had almost been an entire day since I’d eaten last.
When we entered the dining area, we saw that there were only a few other guests inside. I still wanted a table in back but James insisted we sit by the bar where a TV was playing the news. I gave in. He was worried about his mother, and I couldn’t blame him for that. I’d have been worried about mine too if she were still alive. I was really hoping this aspect of our lives remained different.
James was glued to the TV, even as the waitress came and took our order.
“You’re going to drive yourself crazy,” I told him as she walked away. He shook his head at me and kept his eyes fixed. We sat in silence as we waited for our food, and potential news.
“Your coat,” James suddenly recalled. “You left your coat at my house!”
I laughed, to which James looked bewildered. “It’s not my coat,” I explained.
“Whose is it?”
“Some guy named Scott, I think. Maybe Jordan.”
It wasn’t long before the waitress arrived with our meals. We‘d ordered the same thing, only my eggs were scrambled. There was something about the smell of bacon and home fries that brought comfort strong enough to make you forget that you were on the run. I moaned at the first bite. Probably could have eaten both plates. I even thought I saw a moment of calm in James’ face as he ate.
The TV caught our attention.
“Thank you, John. Authorities say they responded early last night to a fire in one very familiar Indiana home. The home of Mikayla Murray.”
James nearly fell out of his seat. I dropped my fork and a home fry fell on the floor.
“…Missing since 2008, Mikayla’s disappearance was one that rocked the small town of Millersburg, Indiana, but left many hopeful that she was still out there, listening. But when authorities found her car abandoned near the Elkhart River just miles from her home, friends and family began to fear the worst. Mikayla was gone, her whereabouts never discovered. Until now.”
I wanted to turn back to James but was afraid of the look on his face.
“When authorities cleared the scene last night at 1108 Lincoln Avenue, they made a shocking discovery that would answer a decade-long mystery, but spark a new one.”
It cut to the sheriff’s press conference. He spoke matter-of-factly while cameras clicked all around him. “The fire department responded to a 9-1-1 call around 5 PM last night. There was a gazebo on fire in the yard of the Murray residence, and when we assessed the damage, we discovered a bunker hidden underneath. Upon further inspection of the bunker, we found the body of a young woman and child. We’ve indeed confirmed the woman to be Mikayla Murray, but have no further information at this time.”
James squealed. “They found her?”
I ignored him, my face sunken. Waitresses and patrons were noticing our panicked state. Something wasn’t right. She’d been buried under there for so long, there shouldn’t have been much to find. And a child?
”It is believed that Mikayla had been held captive inside the bunker since that fateful day twelve years ago. Until last night when, tragically, both she and the child suffered fatal smoke inhalation resulting from the fire. Authorities have yet to confirm the identity of the child, or who started the fire. Mikayla’s mother, Linda, is being questioned by police while federal officials search for her father, Paul, and brother, James, both of whom are now missing. If you have any information on their whereabouts, please call this number, and stay tuned for more on this story...”
I couldn’t feel my body. I turned around and stared down at my shaking hands on the table, the world caving in on me.
“What happened?” James cried. His breathing was heavy, his eyes bulging out of their sockets, staring at me, bewildered.
I finally looked at him. “I killed Mikayla.”

Day 1: I know this isn’t the most creative thing to do here, but I have never been in any sort of relationship and hoped I could get some advice from you redditors. This might take over a year or more to do before I either get one or give up, but good luck future me I guess...
Day 2: No
Day 3: Any tips on how I should hit up my crush?
Day 4: Thinking about messaging her and saying hey to get a conversation started but I have to work up the nerves to do it
Day 5: Love it when I have no internet for online school
Day 6: Beep Boop
Day 7: I think I might wait to try anything until this whole global pandemic thing slows down. It’s been a week and Ill Ive done is realize how boring I am with these posts lol. Probably wouldnt be thinking about this so much if soccer season wasnt cancelled... Anyway, beep boop bye boys. That was a lot of writing...
Day 8: I DID IT GUYS! I TALKED TO A GIRL! Jk no I didnt lol
Day 9: Yes this is day 9.
Day 10: After 10 days, my preditction for how long this will go on is... idk fucking forever
Day 11: I tried starting a conversation with my crush on snapchat and she didnt even open it :(
Day 12: Last night she responded to my snap message from 2 days ago and now we might have a streak
Day 13: I am bored today no news lads
Day 14: We dont talk about day 14
Day 15: I have acquired a 4 day streak with my crush and I rly want to talk to her but my scaredness is overtaking my temptation
Day 16: Nothing happened today
Day 17: When you cant stop thinking about a person is not an epic gamer moment, especially cuz we’re stuck at home and cant do anything about it. i want this to be over already so i can try to talk to her.
Day 18: Hi again guys and gals
Day 19: Dont worry Im just passin’ by you sorting by new
Day 20: Woohoo day 20! I tried to talk to her... i snapped her and said hey but she didnt even open it i guess she dont care. that was last night too.
Day 21: Now beginning to realize that this has the potential to take years
Day 22: Just passing by your feed for the day hope you guys are doing well :)
Day 23: Hello
Day 24: Hello #2
Day 25: How are you guys doing today?
Day 26: If I was a news network, I would be bankrupt because I have no news
Day 27: Helloooo
Day 28: I want someone to talk to lol
Day 29: Hello #3
Day 30: Hooray day 30 only like 2 more years to go
Day 31: Im pretty much giving up on talking to girls online so im gonna wait until school starts in the fall and start trying there, so the minimum for this chain of posts in probably like 150.
Day 32: I officially give up... for now
Day 33: 333333
Day 34: technically its actually day ((9(4)+8)/2)+(3(4))
Day 35: Life huh
Day 36: So glad I finally have someone to talk to here on reddit
Day 37: Today’s date is April 28th
Day 38: I almost have 20 followers from doing this like what
Day 39: Its getting harder to remember to post
Day 40: A new milestone aha
Day 41: shit wack
Day 42: Bing bong your opinion is wrong
Day 43: What videogames do you guys play
Day 44: Badabadabada babaaa badabadaba badabaaaaaaaa
Day 45: Whats ur favorite color
Day 46: Day 40 feels like yesterday wth
Day 47: Ice cream yum yum
Day 48: Im posting this at 4:20
Day 49: Ok, so like, um, haha, maybe?
Day 50: Ah, day fifty. You know, I heard that a girl doesn’t want you if they don’t text you first. And guess what happened today.... Nobody texted me I don’t think a girl has ever texted me first now that I think about it
Day 51: I looked at the mirror today and I was like damn i look sexy ahahaha
Day 52: egg
Day 53: Tomorrow’s my last day of online school yerrrrrrr - Also I have somehow now gained 32 reddit followers from doing this shit
Day 54: Shablam shazam
Day 55: Dos rosquillas por favor
Day 56: Is it just me or do the colors purple and turquoise go perfectly together
Day 57: Hangin out with my friend shut up stupid i dont care
Day 58:
Day 59: B
Day 60: I
Day 61: N
Day 62: G
Day 63:
Day 64: The days are beginning to feel shorter and faster...
Day 65: holy hell
Day 66: But you gotta fall back from doing all that extra Why you dancin wit the devil
Day 67: Im the definition of a bandit
Day 68: Idk why bro but i cant get over her even though i only barely ever see her on sc... today was her birthday and i said happy birthday she said thank you.. im ranting but tomorrow eh? nice.
Day 69: Self explanatory joke please leave your laughs in the comments.
Day 70: I accidentally flushed one of my airpods down the toilet when it fell off so now I only have one airpod. it sucks and im sad and then im even more sad bc i realize that having one airpod is this big of a problem to me
Day 71: big sad?
Day 72: Hooga Badooga Googa
Day 73: The internet ruined me
Day 74: I dont want my depression to come back but today I felt it for the first time in a while...
Day 75: Nononononono I changed this one
Day 76: Summer is cool and all, looking at snapchat stories of all the people you know hanging out with each other while sitting in bed alone
Day 77: Hung out with friends today, UNO reverse card ()()()
Day 78: Bliggle ba giggle diggle
Day 79: Have you ever put butter on a poptart... It’s so frickin good... Have you ever put butter on a poptart... If you haven’t then I think you should
Day 80: •_•
Day 81: He just gon’ throw shots at you before he throw subliminals
Day 82: mBeebopmSkeetleebebopmDopm
Day 83: You a lame, you aint gang, so I cant hang with ya
Day 84: He haw he haw
Day 85: I have 78 followers because of this. 78.
Day 86: RipCity?
Day 87: Salmon, rice, mango
Day 88: Yall ever just E E E E
Day 89: xue hua piao piao bei feng xiao xiao
Day 90: Just mixed the Bape with the Simons, my bad
Day 91: There are two types of lonely people. Those that are lonely by choice, and those that are lonely due to circumstances. And I don’t know which one I am.
Day 92: I want to kill myself. I hate my family I hate everyone nothing is good I want to die
Day 93: I think Im bipolar. I either feel very happy or very sad and I think these posts are kinda proof of that. I try my best to stay happy but its hard a lot of the time. Anyway, IgotblackIgotwhitewatchuwant
Day 94: Im gonna start rating my day out of ten on here. Today was a 9/10
Day 95: 4/10
Day 96: 8/10
Day 97: 8/10
Day 98: hmmmm 7/10
Day 99: 9/10 also tomorrow is a big day for this series of posts
Day 100: Wow um okay that went fast. I feel like for today I should give some sort of little update or speech kinda thing. So basically, I kind of have a crush right now but I dont know if I want to pursue her its complicated. Right now its summer break so imma wait til school starts again to try for real again. I can actually talk to girls in person cuz they dont talk to me online lol. I dont know how long this series will go but I will try to post every day until it happens. As of right now my confidence in finding a girlfriend is very low. I dont know how long this is gonna take but probably quite awhile. All I want is for someone to love me for me and a girl that I can share my feelings with, since right now I dont have a person to do that with. I want to lose my virginity, but before that I want to have my first real kiss, or before that even, I want to hold hands or hug a girl. I live a lonely life. Dont be me.
Day 101: Egg penis
Day 102: hooga badooga gag
Day 103: Gooba
Day 104: I havent had a conversation with a girl online or in person since March. (•_•)
Day 105: Blippa blop i guess but like its the 4th of July i guess
Day 106: My copy is ready for pasta
Day 107: Do I even want a girlfriend tho
Day 108: I mean like kinda
Day 109: You dont want no problems at ur party dont invite me ahahaaahaha jk i dont get invited to things ahahaa
Day 110: just another post for my 120 followers to enjoy
Day 111: 111 111 111 111 111 111 111 111
Day 112: I am on vacation ^{u^}
Days 113: Yeah going on vacation is cool but have you guys tried sex? ... me neither
Day 114: I dont understand how like literally the ugliest people can be in relationships but like Ive never been close to having one
Day 115: Today I went on a 7.5 mile hike up to the top of a mountain and it was really cool
Day 116: Last day of vacation :( 10 hour drive back tomorrow so sad so saddd
Day 117: Sad pony
Day 118: Stop telling me this wont work its not supposed to work its just something fun to do until I get a girlfriend
Day 119: So da salamilid aint gon fit (wont fit) and the salami (lami lid) wont fit like dat
Day 120: Ive been doing this for 4 months now
Day 121: Im posting this at 3:20 am cuz why not lol
Day 122: I am sad right now
Day 123: Looolalooloooladeedadaloodaleeleeda
Day 124: IMPORTANT READ THIS - So a lot of you guys are telling me that posting on reddit wont get me a girlfriend. Obviously it wont. If I do ever get a girlfriend I would want it to be a girl at my high school that I know, not some random girl I meet on reddit. Remember, I am doing this for fun, I am not even close to getting a girlfriend. I dont have a crush, and I dont really have any friends that are girls. So... with all that said, The salami lid aint gon fit like dat.
Day 125: I am 62.5% of the way to 200 days
Day 126: If any of you are wondering if Ive ever tried to ask a girl out before, I kinda have. The summer before my freshman year I confessed to my crush who I had talked to a lot over about a year and a half. I got friendzoned pretty badly, and kinda gave up with girls for like at least 2 years until I started this
Day 127: Hello to my 144 followers
Day 128: Drop yo Xbox names and what games you play
Day 129: Happytime
Day 130: I dont know what to say its 4 am
Day 131: Dont fire me plz
Day 132: z
Day 133: z
Day 134: z
Day 135: z
Day 136: Confusion
Day 137: Abandonment
Day 138: There is no way Im getting a girlfriend in the next year
Day 139: Why do people like me get created what even are we supposed to do
Day 140: Ahhhhhhhhhhhh whyyyyyyyyyyyyy
Day 141: Wrist keep spinnin like a fuckin rotisserie
Day 142: Bruh i literally have to go to school tomorrow ughhhhhhhhhh
Day 143: It felt good to be back at school it felt like I had a purpose finally and I got to see a lot of people for the first time in a while :) Anyway this one girl... jk theres no girl i lied
Day 144: How many of yall are virgins
Day 145: I dont want to be horny anymore... I want a girl I can text until 3 am and cuddle with while watching NBA games :(
Day 146: Would post Juice WRLD lyrics here but I cant relate to any of them cuz im too lonely
Day 147: I had a great day today. I hung out with people, was very social, told jokes that made people laugh, my team won, I had fun. Its important to recognize these days that are good
Day 148: Goodbye free time and enjoyment, I have to go to school now.
Day 149: eenanashe kabikabi wam dadesh kabikabi dee bruh bruh bruh bruh bruh
Day 150: Wow 150. Another landmark. Pretty cool huh. But anyway since schools started ive been talking to girls that i know more
Day 151: Dopdopdopdopdododododop
Day 152: fuck the system
Day 153: Secrets are hard to keep but Im good at lying
Day 154: I have to write a 400 word descriptive story about my first ever date for English class... now i havent exactly ever been on a date so yall wna give me ideas
Day 155: Please stop commenting stuff like “We will watch your career with great interest” or “This is some dedication” everybody always says it
Day 156: blam blam
Day 157: Posting on reddit until I get a girlfriend #157
Day 158: gotalottanewshit
Day 159: Yo can like 3 more people follow me so I get to 200 followers that would be pretty cool
Day 160: I am not enjoying this whole thing much right now
Day 161: I wonder if you know
Day 162: How they live in Tokyo
Day 163: If you see them and you mean it
Day 164: Then you know you have to go
Day 165: Its so nice talking to girls again mow that school is back
Day 166: If you are reading this dm me and tell me ur favorite food cuz im bored
Day 167: Why do I find like 75% of girls attravtive bruh
Day 168: fuck... fuck... fuck fuck fuck FUCK FUCK FUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKK
Day 169: We have officially reached funny number + 100
Day 170: Drove that pack from Houston, OKC, I feel like Chris Paul ~_~
Day 171: Hassan Whiteside
Day 172: Almost forgot today
Day 173: :371 yaD
Day 174: How did day 173 get three awards bruh
Day 175: Yall be saying this is pathetic but like how is it pathetic
Day 176: I feel like a zombie sometimes
Day 177: I dont even want a girlfriend
Day 178: I am ending this sometime soon probably
Day 179: Yeah so I cant really find the motivation to do this anymore I dont even really want a girlfrend so Im done. Thanks to all the people I met along the way and the hundreds of reddit followers I gained. Maybe someday I wont be single, but its far in the future. Its been a good run, but I just am gonna go now...

Author's notes before writing
I originally wrote this story for fun and posted it here, I didn't realize that people would actually want to read it, I was making it up as I was writing this story XD. Now I'm committed to finish writing this story for my 3 new followers, thanks for keeping me motivated. This is the updated story with chapter 3 and 4.
Please note that I'm not a writer, so the story might have some narrative flaws.
I have fixed some grammar and punctuation mistakes in chapter 1 and 2. I'm sorry if you don't understand what I'm trying to write, I'm from Malaysia and not a native speaker.
This story contains a few swear words.
Hope you guys enjoy this trip full of cliches and cringy writing ;)
Let's get writing 😩🤘
-----------------
CHAPTER 1
Hi there, my name is Mark Stone, if you're reading this letter right now, you probably knew what happened to me. You must be sad and confused right now, but I would like to tell you about everything, how it all started, how I met the love of my life, Nicole Bennett.
It was the December of 2015, I forgot which day it was but I remembered that it was at night and it was snowing heavily, I couldn't see what was in front of me, it was as if I was transformed into the same universe at The Mist. I bumped into this girl, she was the most beautiful girl I had ever saw, she had blond hair and perfect blue eyes, I was an average ugly awkward high schooler so I was completely shocked and didn't know what to say. Her books fell after I bumped into her so I helped her pick it up, I just couldn't help but stare at her beauty, she also wore a grey hoodie (I have a thing for hoodies). While I was helping her pick my the books, she kept repeating "sorry", it was in the cutest and most sincere voice I've ever heard. I didn't expect to see anyone here late at night since it was snowing heavily, so I asked her:
Me: "Why are you out here? It's late and it's snowing like crazy."
Nicole: "Let's go somewhere to talk, you probably don't want to talk with snow in our mouth. Let's go to my house, it's not far from here."
Me: "Sure, if my mom was here she would have probably gone crazy, she always told me not to go with strangers into their houses."
Nicole: "Hah you're funny, I'm already starting to like you."
After we arrived, I quickly analyzed her house, it was so...colorful, it was a wooden cabin in the middle of the woods, her cabin had a natural smell that I don't even know how to describe, the cabin had a special warmth and charm to it. I sat down on her comfy couch and asked her the question I asked before:
Me: "So as I was saying before you brought me into your house, what were you doing out there?"
Nicole: "I was walking home after I finished working at the library, hence why was I carrying so many books. My parents are poor and their earnings are simply not enough to support our household. I also have a brother as well, his name is Jamie, he's sleeping upstairs by the way so we better be quiet."
Me: "Speaking of your parents, where are them?"
Nicole: "They're still working."
Me: "But it's.....3 am."
Nicole: "They had to work overtime everyday, they have to work until 4 am, have 5 hours of sleep then go back to work again at 10 am, they barely have any free time. Despite this, we still live in a shitty cabin. People may feel pity for us, but we have gotten used to that kind of life. Anyways, I've just realized, we have been talking for a few minutes now and we haven't even exchange our names yet, my name's Nicole, what about you?"
Me: "My names Mark, nice to meet you, don't say that about your cabin, I think it looks special and it feels comfy and warm, it's that warmth that modern homes doesn't have."
Nicole: "I guess you're right, hey we should exchange numbers, you seem like a really good guy and since I don't have many friends, maybe we could start talking?'
Me: "Sure, I'd love to."
We exchanged numbers.
Me: "I'll be leaving now, if you need anyone to talk to or vent to, I'm always here."
Nicole: "Thanks and have a safe walk home!"
While I was walking home I kept thinking of her, I couldn't concentrate on where I was going, it was as if I fell in love with her at first sight, I didn't know what love felt like, I had never fallen in love, I never even had a crush. When I arrived home I realized what a mess my house was compared to her house, despite living in a rich environment, I was never happy. My dad passed away in a air crash accident when I was 9 and my mom is always working, we also live with my sister Emma and my uncle Tommy, who helps my mom do all the housework. My mom is a famous businesswoman, hence why we live in such a rich environment. Despite this, I never connected with rich kids, I found myself making friends with poor kids, maybe because I think most rich kids are jerks who are spoiled.
I went up to my bedroom to see my uncle and sister sleeping.
Me: "Guess mom's still working again."
As I was getting ready to sleep, I heard my phone beeped and vibrate, my friends rarely texts me so I was curious to see who it might be, it turns out it was Nicole.
Me (texting): "Don't you think it's a bit late?"
Me (texting): "Do you miss me already?"
Nicole (texting): "Nah, I just forgot to ask you a question, do you go to Claymore high?"
Me (texting): "Yeah how did you know?"
Nicole (texting): "I think I've seen before, we go to the same school btw."
Me (texting): "That's cool I guess."
Nicole (texting): "Aren't you that kid who always eat alone at breaks, don't you have any friends?"
Me (texting): "I hate hanging out with rich kids, I connect with poor kids more, I hang out with them secretly. If the rich kids know that I've been making friends with the poor kids instead of them, they'll probably start bullying me. Besides, I like being alone at breaks, it helps me collect my thoughts."
Nicole (texting): "They probably don't care about you since you don't hang out with them at all, why would they start bullying you if they don't care about you?"
Me (texting): "I guess your kinda right."
Nicole (texting): "A horde is better than a lone wolf."
Nicole (texting): "So would you like to be friends with me? We can become our own horde...'
Me (texting): 'You're desperate for friends aren't you, we just met like what...a few hours ago and you're already asking me to be your friend? :P"
Nicole (texting): "Yea, I think my friend count is lower than -1"
Me (texting): "Sure, let's be friends"
Nicole (texting): "Woah, it's 4 am already, thank god it's Sunday tomorrow. Anyways I gotta sleep, I'm feeling really tired, have a good night's rest ^^"
Me (texting): "Goodnight, I'll talk to you tomorrow."
That night, I don't know why but.....I kept thinking about her. Who knew my life would change that night.
CHAPTER 2
It had been nearly 2 weeks since we meet each other, it might not seem like that long but during that time we spent a lot of time together, we spent almost every hour of our free time together, it was as if we couldn't live without each other, it was like if we were born to be a couple, we had so much in common, I've never connected to anyone more than her. I was surprised that no one wanted to be friends with her, she had so many talents, drawing, playing piano, singing etc, and she was so....beautiful. It was as if she had a secret, a secret that everybody knew so they wouldn't be friends with her.
It was the 12th December 2015, the day before Nicole's birthday, I was in bed scrolling through Twitter as usual, when she suddenly texted me.
Nicole (texting): "Hey handsome."
Me (texting): "Handsome??"
Nicole (texting): "XD well I'm turning 16 tomorrow, what do you want to do?"
Me (texting): "Idk, tomorrow is Sunday, I'll probably stay home and play some COD or Minecraft."
Nicole (texting): "Well, that's a shame, I have no one to hang out with on my birthday :("
Me (texting): "Hmmmm, maybe it's time that I actually start spending time with other human beings instead of playing video games everyday XD"
Me (texting): "Maybe I could hang out with you :p"
Nicole (texting): "That's great! I would love to hang out with my best friend on my birthday."
Me (texting); "Best friend?"
Nicole (texting): "Well since we don't hang out with other people as much as each other recently, I was wondering if we could be best friends?"
At this moment I started feeling weird, I felt so happy, sure it can't be love, can it?
Me (texting): "Hell yea, best friends :)"
Nicole (texting): "Great! I thought it would be awkward but I'm glad you responded well."
Nicole (texting): "So where do you wanna meet?"
Me (texting): "It's your birthday so you should choose XD"
Nicole (texting): "How about the park? I haven't been to the park in ages, does 2 pm sound good to you?"
Me (texting): "Yup! Have a good night's rest, you don't want to feel tired the whole day on your birthday :P"
Nicole (texting): "Hah, I won't trust me, also I'm definitely NOT expecting a birthday gift from you ;)"
Me (texting): "Haha I'm sure."
Nicole (texting): 'Anyways, it's late, goodnight! ^^"
Me (texting): "Goodnight ^^"
That night I couldn't stop thinking about what should I buy her, I wanted it to be a simple but meaningful present, after I kept turning my body around on my bed, I decided that I will decide it tomorrow and that I should get a good night's sleep first.
The next day I went into a small shop near the park, it was already 1:30 pm, I didn't know that my house was that far away from the park, and since uncle Tommy was buying groceries, I had to walk. I was panicking and I had to make a decision fast, I quickly picked up two items and asked the shop worker to wrap it.
When I arrived at the park it was already 2:10 pm, I could see Nicole waving at me near a swing. She wore another hoodie, this time the hoodie was red, while I just wore a random t-shirt with some jeans. I always wondered if she was trying to express her feelings through what she was wearing, because I realized that the more we hang out, the brighter the color of the hoodie she wore.
Me: "Sorry I'm late, I didn't know the park was that far awa-"
Nicole: "Don't worry, do you really think that I would be mad at my best friend for being late? Besides, you're only 10 minutes late, I have a lot of patience."
She looked at the present I was hiding behind my back. She giggled and said:
Nicole: "Next time hide your presents better, I can see you're hiding them behind your back, so obvious."
Me: 'Oh."
Nicole: "Let's take a quick walk before we open my present shall we?"
Me: "Sure"
We walked and talked about ourselves, school and life in general for what seemed to be hours, we swung on swings and played with the children nearby just like as if we were still kids.
Nicole: "Mark?"
Me: "Yea?"
Nicole: "Don't you ever wish that you were still a child?"
Me: "No, why?"
Nicole: "When you're a child you don't have to worry about anything, you enjoy life as a child, but when you get older things start to get sad and depressing, you have to face the harsh reality of this world, you realize that the world is not colorful and happy, in fact it's dark and awful. I would rather live in an imaginary world where everything is positive rather than live in reality where everything is negative, I just miss the good old days you know? I'm already 16 and I don't have any goals or objectives in life, I just can't find any motivation to do anything, I just.....I want to die so badly.'
Tears started falling down Nicole's eyes
I was shocked at what she just said, I never knew she was this depressed on the inside, she was always a positive and outgoing girl on the outside. When I saw Nicole's tears, I couldn't help but help her wipe them off, I knew that she had gone through a lot in life, she never had any friends and she live in a awful environment. I hugged her and said:
Me: "Please don't cry, I know you never had any friends or people to rely on, but here I am, I'll always be there for you when you need me."
Nicole: "I'm sorry for that, just getting a little bit emotional on my birthday."
After that, I saw a busker playing guitar near us. I pointed to the busker and asked Nicole:
Me: "Hey, there's a busker there, he seems pretty good, do you want to go there and listen to him?"
Nicole: "Sure, I'd love to."
I asked the busker to play some calm and romantic music to calm Nicole down, the busker asked us:
Busker: "What brings you lovers here?"
Nicole blushed after hearing what the busker said. I awkwardly corrected him:
Me: "Oh...oh no, we're just best friends, it's her birthday today actually, we're just having a walk."
The busker giggled and said:
Busker: "Oh "best friends"? Really?"
Now we're both blushing hard.
Nicole talked to me about her problems and I asked her to start imagining a better future, a future where she's happy, where she's settled down, a future so good that would overlap what the past did to hurt her. She closed her eyes and started her imagination while we listened to the busker's guitar music for a good 10 minutes. During that time, I couldn't help but stare at her, I thought to myself:
Me (thinking): "Ah Mark stop! Why are you being such a creep?!"
Suddenly, she opened her eyes, she looked at me with a cute and sincere smile and said:
Nicole: "I hope you're part of my future."
I was speechless, was she trying to signal me something? I panicked and responded with:
Me: "I hope so too."
I didn't know what to say, that just came out of my mouth out of nowhere and I was embarrassed by it, we both blushed hard.
We listened to the busker for about a good 20 minutes more before we decided that we would open her present. I tipped the busker and he winked at me, till this day, I still don't know who that busker was but I swear to god that I will forever remember him.
We sat on a bench and she started opening up her presents, the present I gave her was a polaroid camera and an album. After she opened it I said:
Me: "I hope that we'll have many more amazing moments together, you can bring this camera everywhere and every time we have a unforgettable moment, you can take a picture and put it into this album, by the time we have our last breath, I hope we can fill this album up."
Nicole hugged me and started crying.
Nicole: "I don't know if we'll ever fill this album up but there's one thing that I'm sure of, and that's the fact that we'll be friends forever. Thank you so much Mark, this might be the best present I've ever gotten in my life."
I always thought it was funny that we went from complete strangers to "best friends forever" in 2 weeks, you'll never know what god throws at you in life, she just suddenly came into my life out of nowhere.
It was getting late so I offered to walk her home, before we started going home, we saw a poster on a shop that said that there was going to be a firework show at 11 am, I offered her to watch it with me, she responded with:
Nicole: "Won't your mom be mad at you?"
Me: "She never cares about me, all she cares about is money, I'm pretty sure she won't even realize that I'm not home."
Nicole: "Hey! Don't say that, you mom works so much isn't because she wants to get away from your family, she wants to earn as much money as possible so she can support your household.'
Me: "You don't get it Nicole....she......she..."
I couldn't say it.
Nicole: "What's the matter?"
My mom had a dark secret that only I knew, something that I've yet to confront her. I just couldn't tell Nicole....at least not yet.
Me: "I guess you're right, hey look! Here comes the fireworks!"
The fireworks were beautiful, it was a whole new experience for me, I've never watched fireworks with someone else before, every Christmas or new years I would always be lonely. I turned to Nicole and I just couldn't help but stare at her beauty once again, she was prettier than the stars, prettier than the fireworks, she shined the brightest amongst all of them. Thinking about it now, I wondered if she ever knew that I was staring at her, maybe she knew and she let me stare, maybe she knew that I had a little tiny crush on her already.
We saw everyone around us holding hands, she turned to me and asked:
Nicole: "Can we uh.....hold hands?"
Me: "Um....what?"
Nicole: "Everyone around us is holding hands, it would be weird if we didn't. But I don't want to make them think that we're...dating."
Me: "Who cares what they think, the most important thing is that we'll enjoy the fireworks and have a great time."
She grabbed my hand and said:
Nicole: "But can we still hold hands?"
Me: "Sure, it's your birthday, I'll do anything for you."
I saw her blushed in the cutest way possible, god she was so cute I wish you could see her.
Her hands were cold and soft, it seems like I could easily break her bones if I pressed her hand too hard, I'm not even a strong man.
She suddenly took out her polaroid camera and said:
Nicole: "Let's take a picture and put it in the album!"
We posed for the picture and she put it inside her album.
After the fireworks I asked her:
Me: "So what did you think of the fireworks?"
Nicole: "It was...special, it might be the best firework show I've ever watched."
Me: "Same here."
We sat down on the grass and looked up to the sky, the stars were absolutely beautiful.
Me: "Do you think that every time someone dies, they get reincarnated into a star?"
Nicole: "No, where did you get that idea?"
Me: "I'd like to think that once you die, you get reincarnated into a star, every star represents a person's story, they are watching us creating our new stories while their stories is being stored with them up there with billions and trillions of stars."
Nicole: "If that's true, I hope that I'll get to have my star be near yours when I die. You're the most special person I've ever met in my life, I've never been able to connect with any person as much as you."
We slept on the grass looking at the beautiful stars and talking about our lives. After a while, I looked at my watch, it was already 2 am, the park was now empty, we were so focused on talking and enjoying the stars that we forgot our surroundings.
I walked her to her cabin, before she went in, she said:
Nicole: "Mark, thanks for spending the day with me, this is the best birthday of my life...no...the best day of my life."
Me: "You're welcome, that's the least a best friend could do, I hope to spend many future birthdays with you."
She took out her polaroid camera and we posed for another picture.
Nicole gave me a small kiss on the cheek before she ran inside her cabin, I blushed and smiled while walking my way home. When I went inside my house, my mom, sister and uncle were already sleeping, I couldn't even bothered to be angry that they didn't call to check on me, I took a quick shower and brushed my teeth before going to bed, despite not eating dinner, I'm not feeling hungry at all. I tucked myself inside my blankets and whispered something before I went to sleep:
Me: "Thank you Nicole, today was the best day of my life as well."
Chapter 3 (NEW CHAPTER!!!)
It had been about a week and a half since that day, I still couldn't get that day out of my head, I think that was the day that I truly fell in love with her. We introduced my sister Emma and her brother Jamie to each other, they're now best friends as well, we hang out together almost every hour of the day, we do home work together, eat dinner together, play games together etc. I had never felt so happy in my life. Before this month started I thought that this would be a horrible month but it turns out this was one of the best months of my life. I wish I could turn back time to this day just to relive every moment, it truly felt like a good time to be alive.
It was Christmas eve, I felt fantastic as usual, I won't be lonely on Christmas for a change. I did my normal daily routine then I heard a beep and a vibration, it was a text message from Nicole:
Nicole (texting): "Hey handsome"
Me (texting): "Hey Nic, what's up?"
Nicole (texting): "You'll never guess what happened to me last night ^^"
Me (texting): "Hmmmm......did your post blow up overnight again? XD"
Nicole (texting): "Nope! Something better!"
Me (Texting): "You finally got rid of the monster under your bed?"
Nicole (texting): "Nope!"
Me (texting): "So what is it?"
Nicole: "You know Jason right?"
Me (texting): "Yea, that rich kid that everybody hates."
Nicole (Texting): "HEY! DON'T SAY THAT ABOUT HIM!"
Me (texting): "Excuse me?"
Nicole (texting): "He came to my cabin in the middle of the night with a basket of flowers asking me to be his girlfriend!"
Nicole (texting): "It was the cutest thing everrrrr"
Nicole (texting): "You don't know how long I've been waiting for this moment Mark, I simply couldn't reject it, I've had a crush on him for 5 years XD"
I freeze, I didn't know what to do, I was confused and heartbroken at the same time. Nicole had a crush on this jerk for 5 years? How come she never told me? They don't even hang out as much as we do! Didn't she like me? Didn't she tried to signal me something at the park?
So many emotions rushed through inside my body, I had so many questions. Tears didn't start roiling down my face, nor I felt sad or happy for her, I just felt emotionless.
Me (texting): "Congrats I guess"
Me (texting): "I gotta go my mom called me"
Nicole (texting): "Ok then, talk to yo-"
I blocked her number before she could finish typing.
I finished dressing up and went outside to try to collect my thoughts, I just sat on the snow looking at other people. My sister came outside of the house and asked me:
Emma: "Mark? What are you doing out here? You've been sitting here for an hour!"
Me: "I don't know, I'm trying to collect my thoughts."
Emma: "What's going on Mark? Nicole texted me like crazy, she's worried about you, why did you block her number?"
Me: "She belongs to Jason now."
Emma: "Wait WHAT?! Jason and Nicole are dating now? H-how did this happen?"
Me: "Nicole said she had a crush on this cunt for 5 years now, so when Jason asked her to be his girlfriend, she immediately accepted."
Emma: "Then why are you so sad? Shouldn't you feel happy for her? Wait, don't tell me you have fee-"
Me: "Yes I have feelings for her."
Emma was shocked..
Emma: "Oh...I-I'm so sorry Mark, if you really love Nicole you should be glad that she has found her happiness. You should try to mo-"
Me: "I CAN'T MOVE ON, SHE WAS THE FIRST PERSON THAT I'VE EVER LOVED!!!"
Emma: "Di-did you just fucking shout at me?"
Me: ....
Emma: "I can't believe this, I'm just trying to help you here. Everyone is looking at us now, ughh."
Emma slammed the door and went back into the house, tears flowed down my cheeks and I started crying, I didn't even care that my neighbors were watching me with a weird look on their face. I'm still surprised that no one recorded that and put it onto their social medias, 2015 was a different time back then.
I sat there for most of the day and in the end I realized that Emma was right, me and Nicole wasn't meant to be and I must move on. I went back into the house for dinner and I saw Emma watching Moonraker, I thought to myself:
Me (thinking): "Huh, a Bond film, she never watches those."
I walked up to her and said:
Me: "Hey"
Emma: ...
Me: "Why are you watching a Bond film? I thought you didn't like those."
Emma: ...
Me: "I guess you're a little bit moody today, that's why you're watching it, am I right?"
Emma: ...
Mark: "I'm sorry for shouting at you, I regret it, I was angry and confused at that time, I don't want to have a stupid sibling fight on Christmas eve, please accept my apology."
Emma: ...
Me: "Did you say anything to Nicole about what happened?"
Emma: "I said you're a cunt."
Me: "Excuse me, what?"
Emma: "I SAID YOU'RE A FUCKING CUNT"
Me: "I can't be bothered to talk to you right now, you're so goddam childish."
I went over to eat dinner with my mom and uncle, Emma didn't want to eat dinner despite my mom's numerous attempts of yelling at her.
Mom: "FINE! IF YOU DON'T WANT TO EAT DINNER THEN DON'T COME BEGGING ME FOR FOOD WHEN YOU'RE HUNGRY!"
Emma: ...
I went upstairs and laid on my bed, I unblocked Nicole and texted her:
Me (texting): "Hey Nicole, sorry for blocking you, that was a mistake. I was suppose to block my sister, we got into a big fight."
I didn't know if this was a good idea or not but I decided to lie to Nicole, she couldn't know that I had feelings for her.
Nicole (texting): "Yea I can see that, when I asked her what's wrong with you, she responded by saying that you're a cunt XD"
Me (texting): "You're not mad at me?"
Nicole (texting): "Why would I be mad at you? Didn't you said that it was a mistake?"
Nicole (texting): "What did you guys fight about anyways? It's Christmas Eve, can't you guys not fight?"
Me (texting): "We fight over the smallest things XD"
Nicole (texting): "Hah I understand, me and Jamie always fight about the smallest things as well."
We kept texting each other for about another 3 hours.
Nicole (texting): "Hahah I'm about to go to sleep, have a good night's rest <3"
Me (texting): "You too ^^"
Even though that <3 at the end of her sentence was the smallest of things, it melted my heart.
Before I went to sleep, I checked on Emma, she was still watching a movie, this time it was "The Living Daylights", I went up to her and said:
Me: "Hey, it's a bit late, I think you should go to sleep."
Emma: "I'm sorry."
Me: "Wow you finally calmed down."
Emma: "I was being childish."
Me: "That's fine, we were both being childish, I'm glad that we can reconcile again."
Emma: "Hey, these Bond films are pretty good, I can't believe I never watched any of them."
Me: "I've literally been trying to get you to watch one for years now."
We both giggled.
I heard Emma's stomach rumbling, I knew she was hungry so I offered to cook her some noodles to eat. Thank god my mom and uncle was sleeping at that time, I tried to cook it without making to much noise. While she was eating, we both made and laughed at our horrible jokes before I washed the dishes and went to bed.
It was not the best of days, but I'm glad everything worked out in the end.
Chapter 4 (NEW CHAPTER!!!)
Christmas day was special, we spent the whole day together and I actually felt...happy for once. Sure I got shitty gifts like usual, socks, dvds etc, but I didn't feel lonely, I had Jamie, Nicole and Emma with me, we felt like an inseparable group, like pre 80s ABBA.
After Christmas our time together slowly dipped, it was now only Jamie, Emma and Me, Nicole started hanging out with Jason a lot more, every time I texted her she would say that she had a date with Jason or something, it was starting to get frustrating.
February 14th 2016, Nicole was buying flowers for Jason since it was Valentines day, while she was walking home she saw Jason holding another girl's hand and...kissing her. Nicole dropped the flowers and ran to my house and cried. I was confused because I didn't know what had happened, when she had calmed down and told me what had happened, I swear I felt a huge rage forming inside my body, I knew he was a fuckboy but how can anyone cheat on such a beautiful girl? I swear I wanted to punch that jerk's face so bad. I comforted her for a bit and I had to ask this question.
Me: "I don't want to sound weird or anything but....why are you in love with Jason? You guys didn't seem to hang out that much before you guys started dating and you both are so different."
Nicole "You don't understand, we have a backstory."
Me: "A backstory?"
Nicole: "When I was young, my parents didn't have a job, no one wanted to hire them, we were homeless, we literally had no money, to a point where sometimes we would have to starve through the entire week, his family gave us half of their money, we wouldn't have been alive if it wasn't for them. You might not even realize it but, the cabin was built by my father and his father. Me and Jason spent most of our childhood together, we couldn't live without each other. We started drifting apart when we were 14 but we were still good friends. I swore to god that I will love him forever, no matter what, I would try to win his heart. Even if he just randomly proposed to me out of nowhere, I would still accept it. I was obsessed with him. He changed as time moved on, even if he's the popular fuckboy kid now, I still love him. I became more and more obsessed with him, I would stalk him on all of his social medias every night. When he asked me to become his girlfriend, I had never felt happier, I felt like I finally had goals in my life. I understand now, he has changed, he's no longer the Jason I know and love, I.....I must move on but I don't know if I can."
I felt a my heart ache after hearing this, I had never seen her so sad, I didn't know her past was this sad, her family was literally homeless during most of her childhood. I was speechless, I look at her in the eyes and said what my heart told me to say:
Me: "I know you've gone through a lot, but see, things got better overtime. Somethings in life are just not meant to be, change is a permanent thing in life, to have a better future you need to be strong and move on from the past. You're still so young, you'll met your special one in the future, maybe he's around you and you haven't realize it yet."
Looking back now, I cringe at my attempt to try and comfort her, but somehow it worked.
I continue letting her vent to me for a few hours before she went back to her cabin, it's been a while since she talked to me for this long. She waved goodbye to me and I realized that she wasn't wearing any makeup, I never knew how I didn't notice that, she's the rare kind of girl who doesn't need makeup to make her look beautiful.
February 21, 2016, a few days had past since that awful day and Nicole had gathered enough courage to confront and break up with Jason. During the days before that I had been encouraging her and talking to her to make sure she's fine, it was obvious to me that she wasn't over Jason yet but had accepted that he had changed.
It was Sunday morning and I was playing Sunday league football with other friends, I had started making and hanging out with friends since Nicole came into my life, every time when I'm down all I needed to do was to think of Nicole, she was really something special. It was half-time and my team was leading 2-0, I scored one of the goals by scoring a Messi like free kick into the top bins of the net. It was half time and Nicole called me:
Nicole (call): "Mark, please help me.'
I could hear a loud banging noise in the background, I was really scared for Nicole.
Me (call): "What's going on?"
Nicole (call): "I've just confronted Jason and he literally just freaked out, I swear he's fucking crazy. I don't know what to do. I'm scared."
Me (call): "Where are you now?"
Nicole (call): "I locked myself in the bathroom when he started throwing things at me, he is currently outside banging the goddam door. His parents aren't home and I don't know their number so I can't call them for help. I just called my parents but they didn't pick up, I think they forgot to bring their phones to work, fuck my life."
Me (call): "Hold on! I'm calling his parents!"
I called Jason's mom:
Jason's mom (call): "Hello, who is this?"
Me (call): "I'm Mark, one of Nicole's friends, Nicole just confronted Jason about him cheating and he literally just freaked out and started throwing things at her, please go home and stop him, Nicole's in danger!"
Jason's mom (call): "WHAT???!!! I'M COMING HOME!"
Me (call): "Please also call your husband and tell him about the situation."
Jason's mom (call): "WILL DO"
I continued my football match but I couldn't stop thinking about Nicole. Somehow thinking about Nicole made me more motivated, I ended up scoring a hat trick and getting 2 assists to help my team win 6-2. My friends wanted to celebrate my Man of The Match performance but I refused, I went to Jason's house to see Nicole crying beside Jason's mom. Jason was nowhere to be seen. I went in there with my dirty football kit on and asked:
Me: "What happened? Where's Jason? Are you okay Nic?
Jason's mom: "We arrived just in time, Jason broke into the room and started hitting Nicole, she was bleeding but we managed to stop Jason before it got too serious. His dad dragged him to the park to calm him down."
My heart ache when she said that, I couldn't bear seeing Nicole like this, I hugged Nicole tightly and we started to cry.
Me: "I'm sorry I put football ahead of you, I should have quit the match and come here to stop him, I'm sorry it's all my fault."
Nicole: "It's not your fault, I wouldn't have known what to do if I were in your situation."
Me: "You still have some blood that you haven't wipe of, let me help you wipe it off."
I helped her wipe off the blood.
Nicole smiled.
Me: "You look beautiful when you smile, I haven't seen you smile recently, you should smile more."
Nicole giggled and said:
Nicole: "That's the first time someone call me beautiful, thank you."
We flirted for a bit before Jason's mom send us home, I wondered what she thought when she saw me flirting with her son's ex, I always wanted to ask her but I guess now is too late.
Before we parted ways Nicole took out her polaroid camera.
Me: “Wow so you're really bringing this camera everywhere with you?"
Nicole: "Yup!"
We took a picture outside my house before I went into my house to continue my day, I spent most of that day playing Minecraft with Nicole, Jamie and Emma online and we had a blast.
------To Be Continued------
Author's notes after writing
Fuck I can't believe this took me 4 hours
I just reread chapter 3 and my god it's cringy as fuck I think I might need to rewrite it in the future
I just realize this whole story is Mark writing a letter, how can he remember the exact dialog of each conversation 😩😩 I fucked up real bad
I'm going to eat dinner now goodbye and have a nice day
also the football in chapter 4 refers to soccer not american football
if you have any suggestions please tell me even tho I already have ideas for another 10 chapters lmao
CHAPTER 5 AND ONWARDS!!!

Day 1: I know this isn’t the most creative thing to do here, but I have never been in any sort of relationship and hoped I could get some advice from you redditors. This might take over a year or more to do before I either get one or give up, but good luck future me I guess...
Day 2: No
Day 3: Any tips on how I should hit up my crush?
Day 4: Thinking about messaging her and saying hey to get a conversation started but I have to work up the nerves to do it
Day 5: Love it when I have no internet for online school
Day 6: Beep Boop
Day 7: I think I might wait to try anything until this whole global pandemic thing slows down. It’s been a week and Ill Ive done is realize how boring I am with these posts lol. Probably wouldnt be thinking about this so much if soccer season wasnt cancelled... Anyway, beep boop bye boys. That was a lot of writing...
Day 8: I DID IT GUYS! I TALKED TO A GIRL! Jk no I didnt lol
Day 9: Yes this is day 9.
Day 10: After 10 days, my preditction for how long this will go on is... idk fucking forever
Day 11: I tried starting a conversation with my crush on snapchat and she didnt even open it :(
Day 12: Last night she responded to my snap message from 2 days ago and now we might have a streak
Day 13: I am bored today no news lads
Day 14: We dont talk about day 14
Day 15: I have acquired a 4 day streak with my crush and I rly want to talk to her but my scaredness is overtaking my temptation
Day 16: Nothing happened today
Day 17: When you cant stop thinking about a person is not an epic gamer moment, especially cuz we’re stuck at home and cant do anything about it. i want this to be over already so i can try to talk to her.
Day 18: Hi again guys and gals
Day 19: Dont worry Im just passin’ by you sorting by new
Day 20: Woohoo day 20! I tried to talk to her... i snapped her and said hey but she didnt even open it i guess she dont care. that was last night too.
Day 21: Now beginning to realize that this has the potential to take years
Day 22: Just passing by your feed for the day hope you guys are doing well :)
Day 23: Hello
Day 24: Hello #2
Day 25: How are you guys doing today?
Day 26: If I was a news network, I would be bankrupt because I have no news
Day 27: Helloooo
Day 28: I want someone to talk to lol
Day 29: Hello #3
Day 30: Hooray day 30 only like 2 more years to go
Day 31: Im pretty much giving up on talking to girls online so im gonna wait until school starts in the fall and start trying there, so the minimum for this chain of posts in probably like 150.
Day 32: I officially give up... for now
Day 33: 333333
Day 34: technically its actually day ((9(4)+8)/2)+(3(4))
Day 35: Life huh
Day 36: So glad I finally have someone to talk to here on reddit
Day 37: Today’s date is April 28th
Day 38: I almost have 20 followers from doing this like what
Day 39: Its getting harder to remember to post
Day 40: A new milestone aha
Day 41: shit wack
Day 42: Bing bong your opinion is wrong
Day 43: What videogames do you guys play
Day 44: Badabadabada babaaa badabadaba badabaaaaaaaa
Day 45: Whats ur favorite color
Day 46: Day 40 feels like yesterday wth
Day 47: Ice cream yum yum
Day 48: Im posting this at 4:20
Day 49: Ok, so like, um, haha, maybe?
Day 50: Ah, day fifty. You know, I heard that a girl doesn’t want you if they don’t text you first. And guess what happened today.... Nobody texted me I don’t think a girl has ever texted me first now that I think about it
Day 51: I looked at the mirror today and I was like damn i look sexy ahahaha
Day 52: egg
Day 53: Tomorrow’s my last day of online school yerrrrrrr - Also I have somehow now gained 32 reddit followers from doing this shit
Day 54: Shablam shazam
Day 55: Dos rosquillas por favor
Day 56: Is it just me or do the colors purple and turquoise go perfectly together
Day 57: Hangin out with my friend shut up stupid i dont care
Day 58:
Day 59: B
Day 60: I
Day 61: N
Day 62: G
Day 63:
Day 64: The days are beginning to feel shorter and faster...
Day 65: holy hell
Day 66: But you gotta fall back from doing all that extra Why you dancin wit the devil
Day 67: Im the definition of a bandit
Day 68: Idk why bro but i cant get over her even though i only barely ever see her on sc... today was her birthday and i said happy birthday she said thank you.. im ranting but tomorrow eh? nice.
Day 69: Self explanatory joke please leave your laughs in the comments.
Day 70: I accidentally flushed one of my airpods down the toilet when it fell off so now I only have one airpod. it sucks and im sad and then im even more sad bc i realize that having one airpod is this big of a problem to me
Day 71: big sad?
Day 72: Hooga Badooga Googa
Day 73: The internet ruined me
Day 74: I dont want my depression to come back but today I felt it for the first time in a while...
Day 75: Nononononono I changed this one
Day 76: Summer is cool and all, looking at snapchat stories of all the people you know hanging out with each other while sitting in bed alone
Day 77: Hung out with friends today, UNO reverse card ()()()
Day 78: Bliggle ba giggle diggle
Day 79: Have you ever put butter on a poptart... It’s so frickin good... Have you ever put butter on a poptart... If you haven’t then I think you should
Day 80: •_•
Day 81: He just gon’ throw shots at you before he throw subliminals
Day 82: mBeebopmSkeetleebebopmDopm
Day 83: You a lame, you aint gang, so I cant hang with ya
Day 84: He haw he haw
Day 85: I have 78 followers because of this. 78.
Day 86: RipCity?
Day 87: Salmon, rice, mango
Day 88: Yall ever just E E E E
Day 89: xue hua piao piao bei feng xiao xiao
Day 90: Just mixed the Bape with the Simons, my bad
Day 91: There are two types of lonely people. Those that are lonely by choice, and those that are lonely due to circumstances. And I don’t know which one I am.
Day 92: I want to kill myself. I hate my family I hate everyone nothing is good I want to die
Day 93: I think Im bipolar. I either feel very happy or very sad and I think these posts are kinda proof of that. I try my best to stay happy but its hard a lot of the time. Anyway, IgotblackIgotwhitewatchuwant
Day 94: Im gonna start rating my day out of ten on here. Today was a 9/10
Day 95: 4/10
Day 96: 8/10
Day 97: 8/10
Day 98: hmmmm 7/10
Day 99: 9/10 also tomorrow is a big day for this series of posts
Day 100: Wow um okay that went fast. I feel like for today I should give some sort of little update or speech kinda thing. So basically, I kind of have a crush right now but I dont know if I want to pursue her its complicated. Right now its summer break so imma wait til school starts again to try for real again. I can actually talk to girls in person cuz they dont talk to me online lol. I dont know how long this series will go but I will try to post every day until it happens. As of right now my confidence in finding a girlfriend is very low. I dont know how long this is gonna take but probably quite awhile. All I want is for someone to love me for me and a girl that I can share my feelings with, since right now I dont have a person to do that with. I want to lose my virginity, but before that I want to have my first real kiss, or before that even, I want to hold hands or hug a girl. I live a lonely life. Dont be me.
Day 101: Egg penis
Day 102: hooga badooga gag
Day 103: Gooba
Day 104: I havent had a conversation with a girl online or in person since March. (•_•)
Day 105: Blippa blop i guess but like its the 4th of July i guess
Day 106: My copy is ready for pasta
Day 107: Do I even want a girlfriend tho
Day 108: I mean like kinda
Day 109: You dont want no problems at ur party dont invite me ahahaaahaha jk i dont get invited to things ahahaa
Day 110: just another post for my 120 followers to enjoy
Day 111: 111 111 111 111 111 111 111 111
Day 112: I am on vacation ^{u^}
Days 113: Yeah going on vacation is cool but have you guys tried sex? ... me neither
Day 114: I dont understand how like literally the ugliest people can be in relationships but like Ive never been close to having one
Day 115: Today I went on a 7.5 mile hike up to the top of a mountain and it was really cool
Day 116: Last day of vacation :( 10 hour drive back tomorrow so sad so saddd
Day 117: Sad pony
Day 118: Stop telling me this wont work its not supposed to work its just something fun to do until I get a girlfriend
Day 119: So da salamilid aint gon fit (wont fit) and the salami (lami lid) wont fit like dat
Day 120: Ive been doing this for 4 months now
Day 121: Im posting this at 3:20 am cuz why not lol
Day 122: I am sad right now
Day 123: Looolalooloooladeedadaloodaleeleeda
Day 124: IMPORTANT READ THIS - So a lot of you guys are telling me that posting on reddit wont get me a girlfriend. Obviously it wont. If I do ever get a girlfriend I would want it to be a girl at my high school that I know, not some random girl I meet on reddit. Remember, I am doing this for fun, I am not even close to getting a girlfriend. I dont have a crush, and I dont really have any friends that are girls. So... with all that said, The salami lid aint gon fit like dat.
Day 125: I am 62.5% of the way to 200 days
Day 126: If any of you are wondering if Ive ever tried to ask a girl out before, I kinda have. The summer before my freshman year I confessed to my crush who I had talked to a lot over about a year and a half. I got friendzoned pretty badly, and kinda gave up with girls for like at least 2 years until I started this
Day 127: Hello to my 144 followers
Day 128: Drop yo Xbox names and what games you play
Day 129: Happytime
Day 130: I dont know what to say its 4 am
Day 131: Dont fire me plz
Day 132: z
Day 133: z
Day 134: z
Day 135: z
Day 136: Confusion
Day 137: Abandonment
Day 138: There is no way Im getting a girlfriend in the next year
Day 139: Why do people like me get created what even are we supposed to do
Day 140: Ahhhhhhhhhhhh whyyyyyyyyyyyyy
Day 141: Wrist keep spinnin like a fuckin rotisserie
Day 142: Bruh i literally have to go to school tomorrow ughhhhhhhhhh
Day 143: It felt good to be back at school it felt like I had a purpose finally and I got to see a lot of people for the first time in a while :) Anyway this one girl... jk theres no girl i lied
Day 144: How many of yall are virgins
Day 145: I dont want to be horny anymore... I want a girl I can text until 3 am and cuddle with while watching NBA games :(
Day 146: Would post Juice WRLD lyrics here but I cant relate to any of them cuz im too lonely
Day 147: I had a great day today. I hung out with people, was very social, told jokes that made people laugh, my team won, I had fun. Its important to recognize these days that are good
Day 148: Goodbye free time and enjoyment, I have to go to school now.
Day 149: eenanashe kabikabi wam dadesh kabikabi dee bruh bruh bruh bruh bruh
Day 150: Wow 150. Another landmark. Pretty cool huh. But anyway since schools started ive been talking to girls that i know more
Day 151: Dopdopdopdopdododododop
Day 152: fuck the system
Day 153: Secrets are hard to keep but Im good at lying
Day 154: I have to write a 400 word descriptive story about my first ever date for English class... now i havent exactly ever been on a date so yall wna give me ideas
Day 155: Please stop commenting stuff like “We will watch your career with great interest” or “This is some dedication” everybody always says it
Day 156: blam blam
Day 157: Posting on reddit until I get a girlfriend #157
Day 158: gotalottanewshit
Day 159: Yo can like 3 more people follow me so I get to 200 followers that would be pretty cool
Day 160: I am not enjoying this whole thing much right now
Day 161: I wonder if you know
Day 162: How they live in Tokyo
Day 163: If you see them and you mean it
Day 164: Then you know you have to go
Day 165: Its so nice talking to girls again mow that school is back
Day 166: If you are reading this dm me and tell me ur favorite food cuz im bored
Day 167: Why do I find like 75% of girls attravtive bruh
Day 168: fuck... fuck... fuck fuck fuck FUCK FUCK FUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKK
Day 169: We have officially reached funny number + 100
Day 170: Drove that pack from Houston, OKC, I feel like Chris Paul ~_~
Day 171: Hassan Whiteside
Day 172: Almost forgot today
Day 173: :371 yaD
Day 174: How did day 173 get three awards bruh
Day 175: Yall be saying this is pathetic but like how is it pathetic
Day 176: I feel like a zombie sometimes
Day 177: I dont even want a girlfriend
Day 178: I am ending this sometime soon probably
Day 179: Yeah so I cant really find the motivation to do this anymore I dont even really want a girlfrend so Im done. Thanks to all the people I met along the way and the hundreds of reddit followers I gained. Maybe someday I wont be single, but its far in the future. Its been a good run, but I just am gonna go now...
Day 180: I still do not have a girlfriend

Day 1: I know this isn’t the most creative thing to do here, but I have never been in any sort of relationship and hoped I could get some advice from you redditors. This might take over a year or more to do before I either get one or give up, but good luck future me I guess...
Day 2: No
Day 3: Any tips on how I should hit up my crush?
Day 4: Thinking about messaging her and saying hey to get a conversation started but I have to work up the nerves to do it
Day 5: Love it when I have no internet for online school
Day 6: Beep Boop
Day 7: I think I might wait to try anything until this whole global pandemic thing slows down. It’s been a week and Ill Ive done is realize how boring I am with these posts lol. Probably wouldnt be thinking about this so much if soccer season wasnt cancelled... Anyway, beep boop bye boys. That was a lot of writing...
Day 8: I DID IT GUYS! I TALKED TO A GIRL! Jk no I didnt lol
Day 9: Yes this is day 9.
Day 10: After 10 days, my preditction for how long this will go on is... idk fucking forever
Day 11: I tried starting a conversation with my crush on snapchat and she didnt even open it :(
Day 12: Last night she responded to my snap message from 2 days ago and now we might have a streak
Day 13: I am bored today no news lads
Day 14: We dont talk about day 14
Day 15: I have acquired a 4 day streak with my crush and I rly want to talk to her but my scaredness is overtaking my temptation
Day 16: Nothing happened today
Day 17: When you cant stop thinking about a person is not an epic gamer moment, especially cuz we’re stuck at home and cant do anything about it. i want this to be over already so i can try to talk to her.
Day 18: Hi again guys and gals
Day 19: Dont worry Im just passin’ by you sorting by new
Day 20: Woohoo day 20! I tried to talk to her... i snapped her and said hey but she didnt even open it i guess she dont care. that was last night too.
Day 21: Now beginning to realize that this has the potential to take years
Day 22: Just passing by your feed for the day hope you guys are doing well :)
Day 23: Hello
Day 24: Hello #2
Day 25: How are you guys doing today?
Day 26: If I was a news network, I would be bankrupt because I have no news
Day 27: Helloooo
Day 28: I want someone to talk to lol
Day 29: Hello #3
Day 30: Hooray day 30 only like 2 more years to go
Day 31: Im pretty much giving up on talking to girls online so im gonna wait until school starts in the fall and start trying there, so the minimum for this chain of posts in probably like 150.
Day 32: I officially give up... for now
Day 33: 333333
Day 34: technically its actually day ((9(4)+8)/2)+(3(4))
Day 35: Life huh
Day 36: So glad I finally have someone to talk to here on reddit
Day 37: Today’s date is April 28th
Day 38: I almost have 20 followers from doing this like what
Day 39: Its getting harder to remember to post
Day 40: A new milestone aha
Day 41: shit wack
Day 42: Bing bong your opinion is wrong
Day 43: What videogames do you guys play
Day 44: Badabadabada babaaa badabadaba badabaaaaaaaa
Day 45: Whats ur favorite color
Day 46: Day 40 feels like yesterday wth
Day 47: Ice cream yum yum
Day 48: Im posting this at 4:20
Day 49: Ok, so like, um, haha, maybe?
Day 50: Ah, day fifty. You know, I heard that a girl doesn’t want you if they don’t text you first. And guess what happened today.... Nobody texted me I don’t think a girl has ever texted me first now that I think about it
Day 51: I looked at the mirror today and I was like damn i look sexy ahahaha
Day 52: egg
Day 53: Tomorrow’s my last day of online school yerrrrrrr - Also I have somehow now gained 32 reddit followers from doing this shit
Day 54: Shablam shazam
Day 55: Dos rosquillas por favor
Day 56: Is it just me or do the colors purple and turquoise go perfectly together
Day 57: Hangin out with my friend shut up stupid i dont care
Day 58:
Day 59: B
Day 60: I
Day 61: N
Day 62: G
Day 63:
Day 64: The days are beginning to feel shorter and faster...
Day 65: holy hell
Day 66: But you gotta fall back from doing all that extra Why you dancin wit the devil
Day 67: Im the definition of a bandit
Day 68: Idk why bro but i cant get over her even though i only barely ever see her on sc... today was her birthday and i said happy birthday she said thank you.. im ranting but tomorrow eh? nice.
Day 69: Self explanatory joke please leave your laughs in the comments.
Day 70: I accidentally flushed one of my airpods down the toilet when it fell off so now I only have one airpod. it sucks and im sad and then im even more sad bc i realize that having one airpod is this big of a problem to me
Day 71: big sad?
Day 72: Hooga Badooga Googa
Day 73: The internet ruined me
Day 74: I dont want my depression to come back but today I felt it for the first time in a while...
Day 75: Nononononono I changed this one
Day 76: Summer is cool and all, looking at snapchat stories of all the people you know hanging out with each other while sitting in bed alone
Day 77: Hung out with friends today, UNO reverse card ()()()
Day 78: Bliggle ba giggle diggle
Day 79: Have you ever put butter on a poptart... It’s so frickin good... Have you ever put butter on a poptart... If you haven’t then I think you should
Day 80: •_•
Day 81: He just gon’ throw shots at you before he throw subliminals
Day 82: mBeebopmSkeetleebebopmDopm
Day 83: You a lame, you aint gang, so I cant hang with ya
Day 84: He haw he haw
Day 85: I have 78 followers because of this. 78.
Day 86: RipCity?
Day 87: Salmon, rice, mango
Day 88: Yall ever just E E E E
Day 89: xue hua piao piao bei feng xiao xiao
Day 90: Just mixed the Bape with the Simons, my bad
Day 91: There are two types of lonely people. Those that are lonely by choice, and those that are lonely due to circumstances. And I don’t know which one I am.
Day 92: I want to kill myself. I hate my family I hate everyone nothing is good I want to die
Day 93: I think Im bipolar. I either feel very happy or very sad and I think these posts are kinda proof of that. I try my best to stay happy but its hard a lot of the time. Anyway, IgotblackIgotwhitewatchuwant
Day 94: Im gonna start rating my day out of ten on here. Today was a 9/10
Day 95: 4/10
Day 96: 8/10
Day 97: 8/10
Day 98: hmmmm 7/10
Day 99: 9/10 also tomorrow is a big day for this series of posts
Day 100: Wow um okay that went fast. I feel like for today I should give some sort of little update or speech kinda thing. So basically, I kind of have a crush right now but I dont know if I want to pursue her its complicated. Right now its summer break so imma wait til school starts again to try for real again. I can actually talk to girls in person cuz they dont talk to me online lol. I dont know how long this series will go but I will try to post every day until it happens. As of right now my confidence in finding a girlfriend is very low. I dont know how long this is gonna take but probably quite awhile. All I want is for someone to love me for me and a girl that I can share my feelings with, since right now I dont have a person to do that with. I want to lose my virginity, but before that I want to have my first real kiss, or before that even, I want to hold hands or hug a girl. I live a lonely life. Dont be me.
Day 101: Egg penis
Day 102: hooga badooga gag
Day 103: Gooba
Day 104: I havent had a conversation with a girl online or in person since March. (•_•)
Day 105: Blippa blop i guess but like its the 4th of July i guess
Day 106: My copy is ready for pasta
Day 107: Do I even want a girlfriend tho
Day 108: I mean like kinda
Day 109: You dont want no problems at ur party dont invite me ahahaaahaha jk i dont get invited to things ahahaa
Day 110: just another post for my 120 followers to enjoy
Day 111: 111 111 111 111 111 111 111 111
Day 112: I am on vacation ^{u^}
Days 113: Yeah going on vacation is cool but have you guys tried sex? ... me neither
Day 114: I dont understand how like literally the ugliest people can be in relationships but like Ive never been close to having one
Day 115: Today I went on a 7.5 mile hike up to the top of a mountain and it was really cool
Day 116: Last day of vacation :( 10 hour drive back tomorrow so sad so saddd
Day 117: Sad pony
Day 118: Stop telling me this wont work its not supposed to work its just something fun to do until I get a girlfriend
Day 119: So da salamilid aint gon fit (wont fit) and the salami (lami lid) wont fit like dat
Day 120: Ive been doing this for 4 months now
Day 121: Im posting this at 3:20 am cuz why not lol
Day 122: I am sad right now
Day 123: Looolalooloooladeedadaloodaleeleeda
Day 124: IMPORTANT READ THIS - So a lot of you guys are telling me that posting on reddit wont get me a girlfriend. Obviously it wont. If I do ever get a girlfriend I would want it to be a girl at my high school that I know, not some random girl I meet on reddit. Remember, I am doing this for fun, I am not even close to getting a girlfriend. I dont have a crush, and I dont really have any friends that are girls. So... with all that said, The salami lid aint gon fit like dat.
Day 125: I am 62.5% of the way to 200 days
Day 126: If any of you are wondering if Ive ever tried to ask a girl out before, I kinda have. The summer before my freshman year I confessed to my crush who I had talked to a lot over about a year and a half. I got friendzoned pretty badly, and kinda gave up with girls for like at least 2 years until I started this
Day 127: Hello to my 144 followers
Day 128: Drop yo Xbox names and what games you play
Day 129: Happytime
Day 130: I dont know what to say its 4 am
Day 131: Dont fire me plz
Day 132: z
Day 133: z
Day 134: z
Day 135: z
Day 136: Confusion
Day 137: Abandonment
Day 138: There is no way Im getting a girlfriend in the next year